where I'm from

I read this on Stephanie's blog and I was so captivated, I had to join in.

I am from books, from Diet Coke [although not anymore] 
and coonskin caps.
I am from many houses, all made home by family and 
Ancient sheets and towels and rattan furniture.
I am from the roses and homegrown sprouts
I am from waiting until Christmas Eve to get a tree and 
Playing guitar and singing as a family, 
From YZ and Rose and Marie Durfey.
I am from the brutally honest and laughing your way through tragedy.
From "rub a dub dub thanks for the grub" 
and children should be seen and not heard.
I am from grace and forgiveness, from healing and wholeness, 
from friendship and relationship with Jesus and the gift of his Spirit. 
I'm from Seattle, San Diego, Texas and Louisiana, 
Texas Sheet Cake and Cheez-its, black beans and rice
From the family who folded newspapers together, rode bikes and sat on the back of station wagons to deliver them.  
From siblings who share the same nose, 
the same voice and facial expressions, saying both like "bolth"
who share memories and life, but really look nothing alike.  
From grandparents who collected and 
Grandparents who never figured it out.  
I am from miniature doll houses, Davy Crockett and Daniel Boone, 
from Little House On the Prairie and homeschooling.  
From baby dolls, but never Barbies.  
I am from a little girl, full of dreams, plans and desires
Living them out in ways unexpected
Trusting.  Embracing.  Believing.  Hoping.  Dreaming.


If you'd like to join, here's the original and a template.  Link up in the comments on Steph's blog too!

over-achiever

Every so often I have an experience that reminds me that I am an over-achiever.

I'm no perfectionist.  It's not about perfection per say.  It's just about what I think is best, what I think is excellent and I won't settle for less.

Case in point.

Last month I took a team to Romania from my church.  Yes, the trip I've written one blog about, promised more and haven't delivered yet.  Well, this morning we were schedule to give a report on the trip.  This usually consists of a person or three sharing some stories and details of the trip and maybe some photos on powerpoint.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with this form of sharing about a missions trip.

But I'm an over-achiever.  With a Mac computer.  That has iMovie.  Don't you think it would be cool if I made a video of our trip using photos and then had our team members share brief anecdotes that I would record with the built-in microphone?  Yes, I think that would be fabulous.

Oh, I spent at least 15 hours working on my 4-minute presentation.  I know that's pretty much par for the course.  It drove me crazy.  I am not meant to look at the same screen for hours and hours on end.  I had no idea what time of the day it was when I was working on it.

No only am I an over-achiever.  But I'm a bit of a procrastinator too.  I'm motivated by that adrenaline of a deadline.

So I put the finishing touches on my project last night.

Where I found out, googling my issues, that there is a glitch in the version of software I have, causing the audio level adjustments to not work.  I couldn't get the music to lower, when the narration came in.  I gave up.

Exporting takes a long time, so I started it and headed to bed.  Morning came and I grabbed my flash drive and the computer and headed in.  Time to upload the file for service.  But it wasn't on the flash drive.  Begin export again.  Still not working right.  Try again.

By now, it's time for our first service.  During which I went up and shared about the trip and showed one photo of our team.  Thankfully, I succeeded in exporting the file and uploading it for our tech team right before I had to go teach a class.

It was a super stressful morning.  During which I was mad at myself for procrastinating.  Mad at the software for not working properly.  Mad that I was such an overachiever because it would have taken an hour to create a powerpoint with music.

But no, I'm an overachiever.  So I have to always go one up, on myself.  I never compete with others.  It's always my own brain. I'm the girl who gets a B+ and is mad I didn't get an A, while most people are rejoicing they got a B!  (if I was a perfectionist, I'd have been a straight-A student...but I wasn't)

This is pretty indicative of my life.  I always try to do more.  I always over-commit.  I never want to take the "easy way out" because I expect more of myself.  But I need to take it a little easier on myself.

While cleaning off the "counter of death" (aka where we stack everything and random junk collects) I found a few Christmas cards that were addressed, but had no stamps on them...and were never sent.  Then I found thank-you's Miss Rose wrote for her birthday in January, that hadn't been distributed.

I have to send out Christmas cards.  I have to do hand-written thank you notes.

Good execution, poor follow-through.

Sometimes, mediocrity is good.  Especially when it preserves your sanity.  But, I will always strive for excellence in my life.  I can't help it.

Missionary Mama part 1

When I was in 4th or 5th grade I felt called to be a missionary while at Kids Camp.  For a few years, I was pretty sure this meant I'd live my life in a foreign country.   As I continued to grow up, it was something I filed in the back of my head.  Maybe it meant something different.  Maybe it meant just ministry.  Maybe I was just an impressionable kid.  But I have always been pretty sensitive to the presence of God, so deep down I knew there was something to it.

Fast forward to my sophomore year of college and I went on my first missions trip to Mexico.  I was hooked.  I love it.  I was actually super sick when I went.  I Nyquil-ed my way through cold nights in a tent.  But I was so glad I went.  The next year, I became part of the leadership of the missions trip.  The next year, I was the trip director.  And with a team of people I started a second trip taking youth students to Mexico.  I directed that trip for 7 years and took anywhere from 175-300 students to Mexico every Spring Break.

As a youth pastor, I traveled to Bolivia, Florida, Costa Rica and Ireland on Mission trips.

God certainly did call me to missions.  As a young girl, full-time missions was my only frame of reference. But there are so many ways to be involved in missions.  I now know I will be involved in missions for the rest of my life, and that could look many different ways.

Out of all the trips I've taken, this trip probably required the most obedience.  It was easy to bring Miss Rose to Mexico with me as a newborn, a 1 year old and a 2 year old.  It was even easy to bring Gracie with me to Ireland at 3 months old (pretty sweet that she has a passport photo at 6 weeks old).  Easy decisions to make, although missions with a child is definitely more exhausting.  I won't go into detail about Miss Rose screaming for hours on the last leg home in the car or Gracie struggling to adjust back to California time.

Initially this trip to Romania was supposed to take place last Fall.  Before Lily turned 2.  When the need arose for leadership, it wasn't difficult to offer to go.  I hadn't been on a missions trip in almost four years.  And I would just take Lily.  Making it easier on my heart, and easier on Bean home with the other 2.

Then a variety of things pushed the date back to the Spring.  And after Lily's birthday.  Which meant she could no longer fly free.  I was going solo and Bean would single parent three girls for 10 days.  Several times, I thought long and hard about how to get out of it.  I wanted to go.  But I didn't want to leave my family.

But I knew I had to be obedient.  And God wanted me to go.

It wasn't easy.  It never got easy leaving my family, being away from them.  Especially when I found out a few days before coming home that Lily had been very sick, which changed everything and although Bean was doing amazing--dealing with a sick toddler, who doesn't have her mommy, and two other kids--he was just treading water, as any of us would do.

Obedience isn't usually easy.  Abraham had to put his son on an altar.  Moses' mother sent him down the Nile in a basket.  Hannah kept her agreement and gave Samuel over to Eli the priest.  I could go on and on.

God simply asked me to spend 10 days in Romania.

You know me, always full of words.  So I'll share about my trip in a few different parts.

It was wonderful.  But so is being home.

With Pastor Aurel in front of the church

Standing at the Danube River.  Serbia is in the distance.

In front of the Romanian Orthodox Church in Timisoara

I need you more

These lyrics and the heart of this worship have been ministering to me this week.  It's been one of those weeks.  Nothing major, just little things that pile up and overwhelm this mama.  But thankfully I have my Jesus, who loves me so much and only wants the best for me.  When I doubt anything in life, I have to go back to that.  Jesus loves me.

I need You more

More than yesterday

I need You Lord

More than words can say

I need You more

Than ever before

I need You Lord

I need You Lord

More than the air I breathe

More than the song I sing

More than the next heartbeat

More than anything
And Lord as time goes by

I'll be by Your side

Cause I never want to go back

To my old life

We give you the highest praise
We give you the highest praise
(repeat)

let's get it started!

Tonight is the first night of my holiday!  I decided to take tomorrow off from work.  It would have been a half day, but the energy required for waking, readying and feeding children, dropping them off and getting to work just wasn't worth it!

This way I can have a relaxing morning, get my house in order, shop for baking and cooking and just soak in my kids.  Because that's what I love to do on my days off. 

I started my holiday with a fabulous run.  I got started a little later than intended, so I was under the gun to finish before it was pitch black and before my husband and/or children imploded.  Well, really they do fine without me; they just like when I'm there too.

My legs were feeling spry and springy, so I decided to take off at a faster pace than normal.  Then I decided to just push it the whole run.  If I can run 4-5 miles around 9:00/mile on a treadmill, I should be able to transfer that to the road.  There were a few times I had to slow down because I was getting a side-stitch, but mostly I was booking it. 

As it got darker and darker, that was even more impetus to be speedy.  I usually run on the street because the asphalt is better than concrete sidewalks.  But it got too dark for me to feel safe since I really wasn't dressed for night running.  I had to be careful on the sidewalks because there are uneven breaks and bumps from tree roots.

I was pretty happy when I finished to see that I ran almost 3.75 miles and my pace was 9:30.  I just need to keep pushing myself.  I have been thinking it would be fun to run the same half marathon for the next few years just for the sake of trying better my time each year.

It was a good start to what should be several great days.  No one is sick or injured as of right now.  family is coming in.

There are days that I'm overwhelmed and discouraged.  There are things I wish were different, and maybe one day will be.

But overall, I truly love my life.

Whacha wanna know?

My good friend answered some questions on her blog and I figured, why not join in the fun!  It's just taken me forever to get it out of draft status!

1. Where were you born?

Seattle, WA.  I lived in Washington until I was almost 9.  I've only been back a couple times since.  From what I remember, I did like living there.  But now I'm pretty much a So Cal girl!

2. What is your idea of the perfect job/ If you could do anything, what would you choose?

Right now, probably being a stay at home mom.  As my girls get older and don't need so much hands-on love, I'd love write--lead worship--do missions--teach Bible--do medical work--and sometimes just be a mom.  If you ever see that job description advertised, let me know.

3. What is your favorite food?

Just one?  Mexican.  Especially a piping hot bean&cheese burrito with the perfect red sauce on top. 

4. If you had a day all to yourself, what would you do?

Sleep in, drink Starbucks, read, blog, shop, take a nap, get a mani/pedi, and meet my family for dinner & dessert :)

5. What is your favorite restaurant?

Oooh, there are so many categories of favorite.  Bean &I often end up at Outback on date nights.  We also love Spaghetti Factory.  Ruth's Chris steaks are pretty amazing.  And I love a wrap at Sammy's Woodfired Pizza right now.

6. What is your least favorite chore?

Dishes.  Just ask Bean.  He does most of them.  I prefer to let them pile.  He prefers to do them 45 time a day.  [reading between the lines: we have no dishwasher.  Unless you count Bean.]

7. What is your favorite movie of all time?

All time?  Braveheart.  You've Got Mail.  

As you can see, it's almost impossible for me to choose just one of anything.

8. What is your happiest childhood memory?

Playing with my siblings.  We played a lot of pretend games.  We played outside a lot.  We built things and used our imaginations!

Do you have any questions you'd like me to answer?  Leave them in the comments and I'll answer!

Ok.  Now it's your turn.  But I think I'm going to make up new questions for you.  If you decide to play along, put your link in the comments.

1.  What is one goal you have in the next 5 years?

2.  If you could purchase an entire outfit--head to toe--what would it be?

3.  What country do you want to visit and why?

4.  What is your favorite See's Candy?

5.  What music are you listening to most frequently right now?

6.  What's the last thing you did for yourself?

7.  What time do you wake up in the morning?

8.  What kind of jammies do you wear?
9.  What is your outlet?

Motherhood

I love this photo.

Surrounded by my girls.  A mother to three children. 
The "minimum" number of children I wanted.  I finally had them. 

A sweet, sleeping newborn on my chest.
A five-year-old; my first baby.
An almost two-year-old; still very much a baby.

So far, motherhood to me has meant babies. 

Making babies, growing babies, birthing babies, raising babies. 

Dreaming of motherhood always meant dreaming of babies.

Although it was often pure chaos, I loved having two babies for the past year.

I loved being that mom with two kids born in two years. 

That mom people looked at in the store like I was crazy. 

It was something I always kind of wanted, but was too afraid to plan.

But Gracie-girl isn't so much a baby anymore. 

And every day Lily is growing and changing. Too fast for my taste.

Too soon, I won't have a baby. It's bittersweet.

I need to start re-defining my motherhood soon. I'm not ready yet though.

I'm still drinking in the baby-ness of my now 15-month-old.

I hold her chubby cheek to my face. I cherish her grip on the back of my arm. I memorize the heaviness of her head on my shoulder before I lay her in the crib.

Motherhood.

It's everything I hoped it would be, and more.

**This post is part of a giveaway on We Are THAT Family.**

this and that

I should be doing a lot of this. I could be doing a little bit of that.

What are this and that?  Oh, you know.  Those things that need to be done every day.  Daily chores, cleaning, projects.  We all have this and that to do each day.

But instead, I'm in the mood to write about this and that.  Plus I have a bit of a headache, so I figure a bit of downtime before I do school pick-up won't hurt.

I haven't been blogging much lately.  I blog in my mind of course, and I have a variety of topics I want to write about.  I've still never shared the complete before and after photos of our home addition for my parents.  Our house also got painted and re-stuccoed.  A few weeks ago I spoke to a moms group (it was a blast!) and I've been wanting to recap my talk here.  I was asked to speak on "Bringing Balance to Your Life." It was a topic I really enjoyed preparing for and am often reminding myself what I shared with the moms, because I applied it to my own life.

God has been doing work in me lately on being content and not constantly pining for my life to be different.  Last night at church I spoke on God being enough and what he's given being enough.  Again, God was speaking to me as much as he was speaking through me to others.  I don't get the opportunity to "speak" often, but when I do, I love it!  I think in the summer or fall I'm going to teach a quarter of our Connect Classes (adult sunday school).  It's good for my mind and heart.  I'm feeling a lot more peace about all parts of my life, and that's a good thing.

I'm still seeking more peace about not having more babies.  Like I've said before, I'd be struggling with this whether or not we had chosen to take care of this medically.  I just like babies.  I like kids.  I like being a mom.  I'm doing better with it.  But then there are weeks, like this one, with babies being born and I received a package of baby products to review and I just need a baby.  I'm envious of my friends who are "done" and happy about it.  This is where God's peace and my contentedness come in.  And trust.  Because if God wants me to have another baby or child, by my own body or adoption, he'll orchestrate it as long as I'm delighting in him.

Since I'm not having more babies, I've decided it's time for summer prep for my body.  I'm happy with my size, but there is some toning needed, which also probably involves about a 5lb weight loss.  I tried the Belly Fat Cure diet.  I lasted one day.  It wasn't quite balanced enough for me and the foods I was eating gve me heartburn.  So I'm back to good ole Weight Watchers, my tried and true eating plan.  Of course this week there have been various social activities involving good food and buttercream frosting.  But I haven't over-indulged.  I've been trying to do ab work every other day (my trouble area after 3 babies and 3 c-sections).  I think it might be making a difference, albeit small right now.

I want to blog more about running.  Which is my sanity.  It may not be your sanity, but there is something out there that is.  I firmly believe everyone should have some form of activity a few times a week.  Not just for your body, but for your mental health.

I'm starting to think I need to come up with a weekly schedule or routine.  To decide when certain parts of the house get cleaned, when the kids laundry gets done, when I do prep work for meals, when I work on projects.  It may not always happen the way I plan it, but I need a plan.  I'll probably get more done regularly if I have that plan.

Bean and I have an opportunity to get away tonight for one night.  And we took it.  Pretty amazing for me, I'll admit.  I'm a junkie for my kids and I've been gone a lot lately.  But this is local, and just one night and we need it.  This will be our first night away with no kids in years.  Like, the last time may have been when I was pregnant with Gracie.  Want to know the first thing I'm going to do?  Go run on the hotel treadmill.  Yeah, I'm serious.  That's part of my ideal night away.  Sick, I know.

So, that's the this and that in my head right now.  Part of the weekly schedule I want to develop involves what I do with my lesiure time.  Less aimless internet browsing.  More focused blog time.  More focused reading time (I have about 10 books, not even novels, that I want to read).  So maybe I'll be blogging a bit more, and it will be more focused.  We'll see!

Hope you have a great Friday in preparation for a great weekend!

cyber baby book

I'm terrible these days at keeping track of things in baby books.  In fact, I've yet to start Lily's baby book.  I do have a "First Year" calendar that I tracked milestones on.  Well, at least some of the milestones.

So for now, I'm relying on my blog for record of my kids development.

Miss Rose is maturing so much these days.  The last month or so we haven't had any major discipline problems with her.  A few months ago, we had some huge knock-down drag outs.  But we stuck to our guns and kept our expectations high, and she's rising to meet them.  She's been very sweet and loving, not only to her sisters but even us!  Miss Rose is also doing wonderful in school.  She had her first spelling test today and scored 100%.  That's my girl! 

For the first time in her life, Miss Rose hasn't gained weight, but she has continued to grow in height.  She's still very solid, but has grown leaner.  Her legs go forever!  She's loving T-ball and is definitely showing talent.  Bean and I aren't parents to push our kids much, but we just want to give them opportunity.  We're excited to see what sports she continues to like and want to play.

Gracie, has been three for almost two weeks now, and it's starting to show.  The age of three is my least favorite so far.  My kids don't seem to have terrible 2's (in my opinion) but the whining and complaining and asserting of their will and desires at three is quite challenging.  Gracie is doing a lot of whining and is quite impatient.  She's still so sweet though!  She randomly will hug us and say "I love you" and it just melts your heart!

Gracie has always been better at independant play than Miss Rose.  She loves her "friends" and her favorite toys are small stuffed animals and small plastic animals.  She usually picks an item that is her "favorite" for a few days and then moves on to something else.   I love watching her play.  She's started to sing and make songs up, which is precious.  She was singing at the top of her lungs before dinner tonight.  She LOVES her baby sister and her big sister too.

Oh Miss Lily, she's growing and changing too fast.  Most of the time she still has a "baby" look to her.  Especially since she still doesn't walk.  But her communication grows by leaps and bounds, reminding me that she's coming up on 15 months.  Her first word was definitely "hi."  She loves waving and saying hi and making friends.  Whenever we walk around the house to my parent's door, or next door to the neighbors, she gets all excited and starts waving and saying "hi" before we even see anyone.  This also means she's a fan of talking on the phone and saying hi!

Lily has a new fascination with babies.  Real ones and baby dolls.  She says "bebe" when she sees another baby (even if they are close in age to her) and about dolls and stuffed animals.  She even tries to feed baby dolls with a baby bottle.  Because we have so many "big kid" toys around, she usually picks random toys to play with and doesn't play with a lot of "baby" toys even though we have them. 

Both girls love crawling around and having Lily follow them.  She still has her "special crawl", although she does crawl normally from time to time.  Lily loves seeing the girls after she wakes up in the morning or after a nap.  She gets excited and flaps her arms and legs as we leave her room and looks to the living room for her sisters.  Watching their relationships grow is so fun.  Lily already asserts herself when they have a toy she wants.

I try to take photos and video frequently, but I worry that I don't get enough.

These moments are so special.  I read something somewhere in the cyberworld recently that said when your children are young "the days are long, but the years pass so quickly."  There is so much truth to that.  I don't want to miss any moments that I don't have to.  These are the best days of my life {so far}.

home sweet home

I feel like I haven't been home in almost two weeks.  I have been at my house and slept in my bed many of those nights.  But I haven't really been home.  I've been moving from event to event, checking things off my to-do list.  As soon as one thing was finished, it was on to preparing for the next thing.  From new ministries I'm launching, to Good Friday and Easter festivities, to birthday parties and traveling with a 1 yr old. 

But now, I'm home.  And it feels so good.  Lily seems pretty happy to be home too, after traveling with me the last three days.  I can focus on the things of home.  Catching up on life, on time with the children, on cooking and groceries.  Bean does such a great job of keeping things going when I'm gone that it's easy to pick up again.

Sleeping in my own bed last night was glorious.  I didn't wake up once, unlike sleeping in a hotel room with a baby in a pack and play next to you.  Lily had some difficulty staying asleep early in the night, but once she was out, she slept until 7am, a somewhat late hour for her.  She was actually still dozing when I went in to get her, and probably would have continued to if I didn't have to get her up for school drop-off.  In fact, when I first reached in to get her, she shook her head (her favorite method of communication lately).  "No Mama, I'm so happy to be in my bed, I'd like to stay here."

I'm embracing and enjoying the mundane today.  There is nothing like a few weeks of busyness to help one glory in the day to day duties of homemaking and childraising.

I have so much blogging I hope to catch up on.  Cute stories, fun photos, recording the milestones of our lives.   Stay tuned!

tired and blessed

I am one tired mama. This is one of our marathon weekends.  As much as I try to avoid having a lot going on in a weekend, sometimes it can't be helped.  I'm really working on my attitude and frame of mind about life.  Focusing on some of the thoughts I shared here.  This is the life God has blessed me with, and it is what I make it.

I spent a lot of time last night and this morning cleaning in preparation for Gracie's birthday party.  But that means I have a home, which we actually own.  It means we have plenty of toys, clothes and other belongings to get strewn about our home.

We went to our church Easter Egg hunt, at a local middle school.  I am thankful to be a part of a church that enjoys blessing our community.  We gave away a bike (which my nephew happened to win!), a playstation, ipods and more.  

Shortly after arriving home, it was time for Miss Gracie's 3rd birthday party, about which she was so excited.  I scurried to make the final preparations at home while Bean picked up pizza.  What a blessing to have enough money to have our large family over and feed them lunch. 

After the party (which was a huge hit and will get a post of it's own in the future) and clean-up, kids were down for naps and my sister and I escaped on a spur of the moment shopping trip.  With my sisters help, I actually got a few clothing items, that are in style, that are right for my body, and that fit.  Again, a blessing to have been able to find a little extra money in the budget for clothes.  And a sister that I enjoy spending time with.  

Once dinner was eaten, children were bathed and put to bed, it was time to turn to tomorrow.  I ironed dresses and skirts.  So far, Miss Rose is agreeing to wear a skirt and shirt--approved by her--for Easter.  I certainly hope my practical-dressing, tomboy daughter keeps that courage!!  What a blessing to have three beautiful daughters.  Watching friends go through struggles with infertility, gives new perspective on children.  I am blessed and amazed that I have three daughters to dress for Easter tomorrow.

And then it was assembling Easter baskets.  But it's not about the baskets or the candy or little gifts.  It's about the Savior.  It's about his gift.  I want to teach my children that Easter isn't about new clothes and candy.  It's about new life and the sweetness life with Christ brings. 

So yes, I'm tired.  But I am so, so blessed.

It's April 1st in New York

I ate a big bowl of ice cream at 9:15pm tonight.

Because in New York, it was past midnight, and thus April 1st.

Which means my own version of March Madness is over.

Is that cheating?  I think it's just smart!  And man was that ice cream good!!  Let me tell you, this has been one LONG month.  Have I been perfect in my quest to not eat sugar?  Not quite as perfect as I could have been.  But for the most part, I did it.  I learned some good things, which I plan to share in a blog soon.  Not enough energy to put my thoughts together tonight.

I blogged almost every day for a month.  Which was more of a feat than I expected, keeping up with my family and my job and finding time and wit to blog. 

With Gracie's 3rd birthday, Easter and a business trip coming up, it's a good thing I don't need to try to blog daily any longer.  Life is coming at me fast these days, but so far I'm keeping up. 

Tomorrow we're having a jammie morning.  No school, no work, no morning drop off's.  Just mama and her girls.  This is what I live for, what I look forward to.  I love being a mom.

29:: style

When you have two babies in two years, you spend the majority of 4 years pregnant, nursing and losing weight.  Function of clothes is more important that style.  And why spend lots of money on clothes that will only fit for a short time.  So you make do.

Now with my baby being 1, I'm pretty much back to my pre-pregnancy self, again.  All of my clothes fit.  But I don't have as many as I've tried to downsize what I didn't find myself wearing much or items that definitely went out of style.

Which hasn't left me with a lot.  So I make do.  I don't intend to complain about my wardrobe, because I do have what I need.  But although I'm not too emotional or high maintenance, I'm still a girl.  And girls like fashion and style.  And girls feel good in new, fashionable clothes.

This girl's clothes don't seem too fashionable anymore.  They are functional and classic, but not too fun and flirty.  I'm ready to be fun and flirty again!  I wish my bank account felt the same way.

I attempted to go shopping tonight.  I do enjoy shopping, but it's not how I like to spend my evening after a day at work.  But sometimes it can't be avoided.  I went to a large clothing store which in my opinion would have a large array of choices at decent prices.

While there were a lot of clothes I liked, I didn't find what I was looking for.  All I wanted was a cute, spring-y skirt with a feminine top or sweater to go with it.  But no.  No skirts to be found.  Lots of tops, but no skirts that fit that description.  Seriously.  Not even ones I didn't like.  They just didn't have any.

Either my sense of style is completely off, or I went to the wrong store.  Which is a bummer because it was a waste of a shopping trip.   I did get a few other items, but not what I really wanted.

Now to figure out where to go, and when. 

This mama wants something new for Easter.  It's cliche, I know.  But when you don't shop much for yourself, you'll take the opportunity.

28:: babywearing Bible Mama (with photos this time!)

On my last Sunday, as a babywearing Bible mama, I got a photo! Which in itself, is pretty miraculous, given the whirlwind that Sundays have been. Are you tired yet of me recounting the craziness of my Sundays? As I was driving home this afternoon, I was thinking about how God certainly has called me to the ministry because he gets me through these crazy days and although I'm exhausted, I'm fulfilled in my ministry and thankful that my kids are experiencing ministry too.

I was out of the door at 7:10am with the older girls. I had a bunch of printing to do for promoting a new ministry. I have more hours of week these days, then I do time in the office, which means for last minute stuff like today. After sending the girls for their Sunday morning donuts, Miss Rose came back and said she had an accident. Just lovely. Thankfully Bean was still home, so he was able to get clean clothes. That's what happens when you're daughter is determined to come early with you--but is still tired and neglects using the bathroom when she first wakes up.

At 8am I had to rush to get my stage makeup done. Grab my costume, then back to meet Bean for Miss Rose's clean clothes and to get the baby and costume her. Once my part in the production was done...quick change into a dress and out to do sign-ups for our new classes. Then, lather, rinse, repeat for the 2nd service.

I wish I had taken a picture of my office after the whirlwind was over. Candy wrappers, sunday school papers, pee-laden clothes, toys strewn about, half-eaten applesauce, empty raisin box, my own papers and clothes, empty water bottles and general craziness.

It's been fun, but I'm looking forward to just focusing on ministry next weekend (although our trilogy has one more part) and Bean said he's ready to not be Mr. Mom and stage dad.

Me & the babe, sporting the Sakura Bloom!   I don't know that the average townperson following Jesus would have had such a lush sling, but I thought it fit with the costume pretty well.  Can you tell Lily missed her morning nap?

Babywearing Bible mama and her modern children!  (Notice how tall Miss Rose is getting?  STOP GROWING!)

There have been about a gazillion people snapping photos the last few weeks.  If I get any good "action" shots, I'll be sure to share them!

Now that my part is over, I'm excited to paint my toenails and wear earrings again!  

19:: bits & pieces

I have inspirations for what I think are fun and interesting blogs, but that takes time and energy, which I don't often have...at least to put into blogging.

So today, I'm settling for bits and pieces.

I read a great blog this week about challenging your body more in exercise and seeing more results.  I very easing fall into a groove with whatever workout I'm doing and just focus on getting through it, instead of really pushing myself.  This blog post caused me to push myself more yesterday on a run, and I am really feeling it today.

Speaking of blogs, I read this today and can say this mom did a great job of expressing the overwhelming feelings that often drowns working moms.  Thankfully, I do have a strong faith, that keeps me going and gives me strength and peace.

The scale dropped by two pounds between yesterday and today.  That was nice to see!  I wonder if those pounds will stay away.  I'm very much in that yo-yo state, waiting for my body to re-set it's happy weight to a lower number.  Does your body do that?  Every 5-7lbs I find that I yo-yo for a while before my body re-sets and stays at the lower number.  I'm used to it...but it's annoying.

I think the biggest thing I want to see change about my body right now is toning.  I'm feeling very soft in my midsection.  And I've never been happy with my upper arms.  Perhaps I'll use some birthday money (no, my birthday is not for a few months still, but I'm already planning!) for some training sessions.  I've never worked with a trainer before, but I would enjoy it.

I'm starting to get excited about the summer.  The trips to the beach, the zoo and Sea World.  Not having to be up and out of the house early on my days off for school.  Although Lily won't be walking until the end of the summer most likely, this summer will be much easier than last summer---we did all this last year, but it was a lot of work!

My sisters are coming this weekend and I am looking forward to seeing them.  They have't been able to visit much since the holidays.  We are going out to a nice (adult-only) dinner for my mom's birthday.  I hope my girls have relationships with each other, like my sisters and I do.  (my brother's not half bad either!)

Hope you have a great weekend!

13:: I almost forgot

I'm getting ready to go to bed.  It's 8:30pm, but with the time change tonight, it's really 9:30pm.  I almost forgot that I needed to write a blog.

I'm tired.  It's been a full, long day.

Miss Rose had a t-ball game at 8:00am.  I was up before 6am with the baby, which is par for the course these days.  Usually on Saturdays we have slow mornings, even though the kids don't sleep in.  Not for the next few months though.  Most of the Saturday games are at 8:00am or 8:30am.

Then I dropped off Miss Rose for a birthday party.  She's getting to the age of "drop-off parties" which are a pretty big deal in her world.  This one was for a cousin, so I didn't have to worry at all.

Then we went to an adoption event for rescued labs.  No we didn't leave with a dog.  But don't be surprised if we have one before long.  Miss Rose thinks when your fish die, you get a dog.  I guess Mama and Daddy think when you decide not to have more children, it's time to get a dog.  (and no, we aren't getting a puppy.  If Bean wanted a puppy, I would have said let's just have a baby.  In fact, I think I may have.  So we aren't getting a puppy.

Then we came home.  I spent 15 minutes cleaning sticky goo off the inside of the dryer.  I have no idea what it was.  Then I sat for a few minutes.

Then I got ready for a bridal shower.  As I was driving, I fogot I was supposed to get a gift on the way.  So I was five minutes away and had to turn around and go to Target.  If I could change one minor habit in my life, it would be waiting until the last minute to get a gift (or a gift card in this case).

Then Bean texted me, "are you coming home yet?  It would be nice."

Did I mention Bean is recovering from his procedure?  He's a terrible patient.  He doesn't feel awful, but he still needs to be careful.  Let's just say, he did way more today than he would have let me, were the roles reversed.  And I will say, I got a small taste of his go-go-go mentality, and I don't know how he does it.  He likes to be on the go.  I like to be home, minding children.

Then I walked to the store wearing Lily.  Baby food was on sale, so I loaded up.  But I didn't have enough money for my purchases.  So I had to choose what to take off the bill.  Feels a bit humiliating, but I know it happens all the time.  "Um, how about the yogurt?  I guess the walnuts too."

Then I made banana bread while Bean grilled chicken.  I'm hoping semi-healthy banana bread doesn't qualify as a sugary treat.  Cause I ate some.

Then we ate dinner.  Next it was bath time for the little girls.  And Lily decided to do a face plant in the bath, which freaked me out. 

Then we got the kids in bed.  And I finished the dishes (which I had to chase Bean away from).  And now I'm unwinding a bit. 

Perhaps you can see why I almost forgot to blog.

12::v-day (2)

We are all made up of a heart and a mind.  Often, these two are in conflict.  Sometimes you choose with your heart, because you can't live with yourself if you don't take a chance.  Other times you know you have to go with your head and make the wise, responsible choice.  And sometimes, you have to figure out how to combine the two.

My mind knows that making a conscious effort to end our babymaking days is right.  Making babies is something we seem to be good at.  I'm not interested in being on a contraceptive pill for years on end.  And with our current insurance that's the only affordable birth control for me.  Although we are using another form of birth control, it’s open to operator error.  I’m tired of wondering each month if I got pregnant “on accident.”

Why do I want a fourth baby?  I have these visions of the “perfect” new baby scenario.  A wonderful pregnancy in which I take the professional maternity photos I never did with my three.  A scenario in which I am a homemaker and have the time to prepare a special, personalized nursery for the little one.  Everything is checked off on the “to do before baby list” before the baby comes.  I don’t have to worry about pumping or storing milk.  I spend my days wearing my baby and nurturing my four children and making a lovely home for my husband.

Fantasy my friends, pure fantasy.  I do realize this.  I’ve read too many books and seen too many romantic movies!  My little scenario doesn’t often happen in real life because, well, life happens.  I do love each story that surrounds the birth of my three children.  Because it was real life.  Yet still…my mind wanders. 

I get baby envy and belly envy.  I think pregnant bellies and newborn babies have been stalking me lately!  I sometimes have stay-at-home mom envy.  I don’t expect that to go away quickly or easily.  I am in awe of those who easily add fourth, fifth and even sixth children to their families and it isn’t a financial strain to them.  Secretly, I wish we had that faith and freedom.  I wonder why, when I would be so thrilled with one more child, God didn’t orchestrate that, like he orchestrated Lily. But each one can only make the decision that is right for their family, and trust God for his direction of their family.

Part of the issue of my heart is that I love this stage of life I'm in right now.   It’s what I waited my whole life for, being surrounded by little ones that love me and need me.  I expect that as my children grow and we move out of the "baby phase" I will not long for it so much and will get excited about the new phases we move into.

However, there are many benefits to being done having babies.  I can actually get my body back, and keep it!  I haven't had a decent wardrobe in about 4 years because I've either been pregnant or losing pregnancy weight.  Perhaps Bean and I will get to go away together for a night, come our anniversary in October.

The reality is, I feel that it would be selfish of me to push for a fourth child.  I know how much Bean loves me, and when I actually ask for something, he has a very difficult time refusing me.  I know, that I could probably wear him down.  But that would be taking advantage of his love for me.

Bean loves his family with a vengeance, but the last several years have been devoted to my dreams and goals of family and children.   Bean is a wonderful partner in life and he is extremely active and involved in the day-to-day managing of the house and children.  I can't complain that he doesn't help or contribute, like some wives do because he goes non-stop most days.

But I want him to get to focus on his goals and dreams next.  Another baby would just prolong those things.  He's given me the fulfillment of my dream of being a mom with at least three kids, and now I want to help him fulfill his dreams.

Why not focus on what God’s given me?  Why not lavish all my love on these three, without pining for this non-existent fourth?  Why not concentrate on all we will be able to give these three?  It’s something I’m working on.

No matter what the fleshly desires of my heart, I strongly believe that this moment, this life, is what God intended for me.  I abide by Psalm 16:6 that says, "the boundary lines for me have fallen in pleasant places."  Meaning the life I have, is the life God intended for me, and I need to focus on the pleasantness of what he has blessed me with.  It is sinful for me to always look at everyone else and pick what part of their life I would like to have.  God didn’t intend that life for me, he intended this life for me.  And it’s a good one.

Being a working mom is a financial necessity and also a fulfillment of God’s call on my life.  I may not always fulfill my call in that way, but for the foreseeable future, that’s what I’m called to.  I barely make it most weeks with three children and my job.  It would be selfish of me to add another child, just because I want one, and take a part of me away from my husband, my three girls and my job.

I trust God infinitely with my life; with our family's life.  This is something we've sought God on, and feel peace about.  My emotions are attached to not having more children, not the vasectomy.  And I don’t see us having more children, vasectomy or not.  Just because you determine something is the right decision, doesn't necessarily make it easy to make or accept.

I know that God's ways are higher than ours and if we live seeking Him and submitting to His will, he will direct our paths.  And, if for some reason God does desire us to have more children, he will orchestrate it in his way.  Vasectomies have been known to "fail" and there are many babies and children already in the world who need families.

My heart is full with my husband and my three beautiful children.  I am complete.  However, I can’t help but wonder what God’s purpose is, for this desire of my heart.  I know we made the right decision, but I still feel like the story isn’t over.

10:: v-day (1)

I've been mulling ove this topic for weeks, maybe even months now.  Thinking about what I would share.  Working through it all in my head.

Whew. I think I'm ready.

So, v-day is almost upon us.  Our official baby-making days will soon be over.

If you've been following my blog for a while, you may have picked up that this is a bit difficult for me.  I love babies.  I love feeling a baby move inside my belly.  I am a rare person who loves those first few months of the tiny, squalling, even colicky baby.  Don't get me wrong.  I get tired and frustrated like everyone else, but yet I love every moment.  I had a hard time saying Lily was my last baby.  I still do at times.

I always imagined myself with four children.  Maybe its because I'm one of four children and I really enjoyed our family size.  Maybe its because being a mom is my favorite thing in the world (besides marrying Bean of course).  Maybe I want four children because I'm crazy.

Bean was open to stopping at just one child after we had Miss Rose.  But he agreed that giving Miss Rose a sibling was important.  We had some long talks about having a third child.  It was extremely hard for me to reconcile with having two children.  Bean, being the wonderful man that he is, concluded that I would always regret not having a third child (which was correct), while he would love that child from the moment it was conceived. 

Not long after this conversation, I found myself unexpectedly pregnant with our third child!  Even though we were planning on a third child, the timing wasn't what we would have planned with our second just being one year old and some job insecurity at the time along with buying our first house.  We had a few tense conversations coming to terms with our new reality.

Lily is such a wonderful addition to our family.  Miss Rose and Gracie love her.  The covet her attention and her smiles.  She gets so excited to see them and interact with them.  She's my sweet baby.  A mama's girl.  She loves to be worn and wants to be held all the time.  I can't imagine life without her.  And in many ways, she does complete our family.

Yet I still have this crazy desire for a fourth child.  It's lunacy, I know.  I already have a hard time working and mothering three children.  My house is rarely organized or picked up.  There is always something that needs to be done.  I'm on the verge of a mental or emotional breakdown a few times a month.  Evenings are crazy in our house.  Miss Rose turns goofy, Gracie is hyper and Lily wants to be held.

And still I would add another child to that mix.  (Yes Bean, really I would.  I know he's reading this right now thinking--you can't be serious.  But I am.

But Bean, he's done.  There is no way he can fathom another child.  And I understand that.  In my head, it makes sense.  We live in a sub-1100 square foot home.  Two working parents and four small children sounds rather unmanagable.  We aren't those working parents who have lots of money for nannies and housecleaners.  We rely on family for childcare (and they are wonderful) and clean our own home.

It makes sense.  It's the right choice.  We have a wonderful family and three beautiful daughters.  Me, the mom who loves children, I'm at minivan status.  I have more children than "average".  It's responsible.

This, this is my head speaking.

Tomorrow, I'll share more from my heart.

99 things I ought to have done (aka learn more about me)

I saw this on a blog recently and thought it was a fun way to share more random facts about myself.  Feel free to steal it from me!  Comment on this blog when you do, so I can read about you!

Instructions:

Copy the list, bold the ones you've done (with explanations if needed), share with friends.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars...in Mexico, which was especially awesome because there are hardly any lights to wash out the stars and the sky.
3. Played in a band (if singing counts)
4. Visited Hawaii (twice...once with 2 college friends, once with my new husband)
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris

13. Watched a thunder and lightning storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon (does running 3 half marathons count?)
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venic
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors

35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle (does it count if it was just a ride around the parking lot?
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. had chickenpox
89. Saved someone's life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous (I babysat a few times for Jerry Lewis!)
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee 

Not that any of my answers are especially riveting, but if you want to know the background behind any of my answers, do ask and I'll tell!

today

Today...I am tired.  I feel like I could stay in bed and sleep the entire day.  But I was up early and out of the house with the kids at 7:30am because the bigger girls had dentist appointments.  They've been "watching " one of Miss Rose's back molars, and today he said it's crossed over to the dark side and it's time for a filling.  Unfortunately she has soft teeth with deep grooves.  I'm hoping her permanent teeth are stronger.  I'm NOT looking forward to the cavity appointment.  I am quite confident we'll be paying the fee for nitrous oxide.  Remember this experience when she had shots at the doctor's office?  That was over a year ago, she's quite taller and weighs 10 more pounds.  I'm not thinking she'll take well to the shots in her mouth.

Today...I have a sore throat and headache.  Along with being tired.  A few families at church have had strep throat recently, as did Miss Rose a month ago or so.  Not that I think I got it from any of them (if I have it) but apparently, it's going around.  I'm hoping I don't have strep.

Today...I'm going to spend as much time on the couch as possible.  Thankfully, Gracie is in love with Ice Age-the Dinosaurs.  I'm not sure the exact title, but that's what she calls it.  She's perfectly happy to lay on the couch with me watching it.  Miss Rose rarely watches more than abou 45min of TV or a movie before she's bored and wanting to move on to the next thing, so I'm glad she's at school!

Today...I have many things that could or should be done.  That's what happens when you work a few days a week and are home a few days.  Everything piles up.  Errands, chores, cleaning, organizing.  I don't know that any of them will get done today.

Today...I'm just working on making it through today.  I seem to cycle through weeks of positive thinking and outlook on my crazy, busy life.  But then weeks like this one come along, and without any real rhyme or reason I feel overwhelmed and discontent with the balancing act.  I know I'm not the only one.  All working mothers experience it.  No matter how much you love your job or are fulfilled by it, being a mom is stil number one, and it's hard when you aren't living up to your own expectations.  Even when you've lowered those expectations quite significantly.

Today...is the day the Lord has made.  I will rejoice and be glad in it.  A few mornings ago, this verse came to mind as I was driving Miss Rose to school.  Gracie and Lily were in the car too, and our next stop was Grammie's, where they would be for the day while I went to work.  I was already missing them.  Feeling sad that I had two more days of work before I could be more hands on with them.  And I thought to myself, if THIS is the day the Lord made, then no matter what the day holds, whether I like it's contents or not, I need to rejoice and be glad.  Not an easy pill to swallow when I'd rather just wallow in self-pity.  Because THIS is the day the Lord made.  He made my day.  He knows the contents of my day.  He knows what I have to do and where I have to be.  So I need to trust him, and rejoice and be glad.

The trusting part I'm doing okay with.  Rejoicing and being glad...I'm working on it.  But I am resting in the knowledge that he made today.  THIS day.