alone together

The Mister and I had a wonderful day together on Saturday.  It was the second meeting of a marriage discipleship group we are a part of.  It's geared towards investing time in ourselves individually and as a couple, with God.  It's such a great experience.  We highly respect the leaders of the group (in fact, one of the pastors who married us) and we couldn't say no!

It's an incredible maneuver coordinating our life to have an entire day away from the children and life.  The group meets about 100 miles away, so drive time is involved too.  Last time we took the kids to my sister's house who lives near there, but this time she was going to be in town and stayed with them at our house.

Our marriage is worth the investment.  Even when this group is over, I hope to keep up this routine of getting away, even if it's only half a day, at least every few months.  We spend time by ourselves and time together and a small amount of time sharing as a group.  It's such a rich time.

We meet across the street from the beach.  It was cool and overcast in the morning and the beach was deserted.  Perfect.  I spent 2 hours with my Bible, my journal, our guide for the morning and music.  Sometimes I like the beach best when it's like this.





Once we joined back together, Bean and I headed to another local beach area for lunch.  The Wedge is a rather famous spot and we saw a few good sets.  There were a few more people there, but it still wasn't too busy.





I love roses.  Someday I want to have a rose garden.  Or at least a bunch of rose bushes.






A day with this man?  Perfect.


We capped the night with dinner with lifelong friends...about 10 of them.  We have a number of good, lifelong friends who live in the area and almost all of them were able to meet us for dinner before we headed up.

My heart is full.

Missionary Mama part 1

When I was in 4th or 5th grade I felt called to be a missionary while at Kids Camp.  For a few years, I was pretty sure this meant I'd live my life in a foreign country.   As I continued to grow up, it was something I filed in the back of my head.  Maybe it meant something different.  Maybe it meant just ministry.  Maybe I was just an impressionable kid.  But I have always been pretty sensitive to the presence of God, so deep down I knew there was something to it.

Fast forward to my sophomore year of college and I went on my first missions trip to Mexico.  I was hooked.  I love it.  I was actually super sick when I went.  I Nyquil-ed my way through cold nights in a tent.  But I was so glad I went.  The next year, I became part of the leadership of the missions trip.  The next year, I was the trip director.  And with a team of people I started a second trip taking youth students to Mexico.  I directed that trip for 7 years and took anywhere from 175-300 students to Mexico every Spring Break.

As a youth pastor, I traveled to Bolivia, Florida, Costa Rica and Ireland on Mission trips.

God certainly did call me to missions.  As a young girl, full-time missions was my only frame of reference. But there are so many ways to be involved in missions.  I now know I will be involved in missions for the rest of my life, and that could look many different ways.

Out of all the trips I've taken, this trip probably required the most obedience.  It was easy to bring Miss Rose to Mexico with me as a newborn, a 1 year old and a 2 year old.  It was even easy to bring Gracie with me to Ireland at 3 months old (pretty sweet that she has a passport photo at 6 weeks old).  Easy decisions to make, although missions with a child is definitely more exhausting.  I won't go into detail about Miss Rose screaming for hours on the last leg home in the car or Gracie struggling to adjust back to California time.

Initially this trip to Romania was supposed to take place last Fall.  Before Lily turned 2.  When the need arose for leadership, it wasn't difficult to offer to go.  I hadn't been on a missions trip in almost four years.  And I would just take Lily.  Making it easier on my heart, and easier on Bean home with the other 2.

Then a variety of things pushed the date back to the Spring.  And after Lily's birthday.  Which meant she could no longer fly free.  I was going solo and Bean would single parent three girls for 10 days.  Several times, I thought long and hard about how to get out of it.  I wanted to go.  But I didn't want to leave my family.

But I knew I had to be obedient.  And God wanted me to go.

It wasn't easy.  It never got easy leaving my family, being away from them.  Especially when I found out a few days before coming home that Lily had been very sick, which changed everything and although Bean was doing amazing--dealing with a sick toddler, who doesn't have her mommy, and two other kids--he was just treading water, as any of us would do.

Obedience isn't usually easy.  Abraham had to put his son on an altar.  Moses' mother sent him down the Nile in a basket.  Hannah kept her agreement and gave Samuel over to Eli the priest.  I could go on and on.

God simply asked me to spend 10 days in Romania.

You know me, always full of words.  So I'll share about my trip in a few different parts.

It was wonderful.  But so is being home.

With Pastor Aurel in front of the church

Standing at the Danube River.  Serbia is in the distance.

In front of the Romanian Orthodox Church in Timisoara

I need you more

These lyrics and the heart of this worship have been ministering to me this week.  It's been one of those weeks.  Nothing major, just little things that pile up and overwhelm this mama.  But thankfully I have my Jesus, who loves me so much and only wants the best for me.  When I doubt anything in life, I have to go back to that.  Jesus loves me.

I need You more

More than yesterday

I need You Lord

More than words can say

I need You more

Than ever before

I need You Lord

I need You Lord

More than the air I breathe

More than the song I sing

More than the next heartbeat

More than anything
And Lord as time goes by

I'll be by Your side

Cause I never want to go back

To my old life

We give you the highest praise
We give you the highest praise
(repeat)

heavy

Bear with me.  This could be a long one.  So much is spilling out of my heart and it will be good medicine for me to record it here.

There seems to be so much loss these days.  The brother of a childhood friend drowned tragically last week.  I've watched too many friends lose babies in pregnancy the last few years.   With young children, that hits so close to home.

Yesterday around noon I received word that dear friends needed prayer as their full-term baby's heartbeat couldn't be found.  I prayed.  Oh how I prayed.  Certainly my prayers were for life.  But I knew regardless, they would need prayer.  I waited.  And the longer I waited, the grimmer it seemed.

And I realized, the word prayer sometimes is so generic.  We throw it around casually and quickly.  "I'll pray for you."  "I will keep that in prayer."  And we do pray, we say a few words, and we move on.  But prayer is so much more than that.  It is beseeching, interceding, crying out, calling heaven down.  Isn't that what we want?  For the God of heaven to come down and intervene.  To do the impossible.  Like Elijah calling down fire from heaven to consume the drenched altar. 

That.  That is prayer.  And I know those were the types of prayers being lifted up yesterday and through the night.

And then this morning they shared, their precious baby girl had been born to them but delivered into Jesus' arms.  I got chills just now typing that.  My heart just aches for them.  A long-awaited sister for their 3-yr old son.  A baby who's gender they had waited to find out.  A little girl they won't see grow up. 

The outpouring of love has begun.  I appreciate how Facebook facilitates the surrounding of friends in prayer.  Friends who otherwise wouldn't learn so quickly of loss and the need of prayer.  At times I know people desire privacy as they deal with difficult things and I always want to respect that.  But I consider it a privilege to pray for loved ones in their deepest time of need.

It's not fair.  It's not right.  It hurts.  It makes my heart ache.  In so many ways.  These are dear, close friends of the heart.  The kind of friend you may not see or even communicate with on a regular basis, but still you know them because you know their heart and you have so many shared experiences.

It's times like these we come together.  When life hurts, we are there for one another.  I pray.  Oh how I still am praying.  For the presence of God to be so palpable each day. 

For I know, it's for His glory.  It's all about Him.  It always seems like these tragedies occur to those who deserve so much more.  The thought struck me today, that God chooses to use his most humble and obedient instruments for his glory.  Those who will rely on him and cling to him.  Those who will glide on grace and receive his mercies.  I think of John 9 when the disciples wanted to know why the man was born blind and Jesus says "it happened so the work of God might be displayed."

I don't know what work God desires to display through this tragedy.  But I know that he will.  And I know that my friends will be incredible vessels for it to come through.  Does that mean it will hurt any less?  Absolutely not. 

But if we don't have faith, if we don't have Jesus, then what do we have?  We have no lens through which to see such tragedy.  We have no promise of redemption.  Because he always redeems.  Nothing returns void.  Everything is for a purpose. 

Another dear friend said of the loss of her unborn son, "We can't pretend to see His hand, but we are desperately clinging to Him because we know He is the only way through this kind of hurt and pain."

Yesterday after I received the initial information, the next two songs that played on my Pandora station were "Arms of Love" and "Draw Me Close."  Songs I sang with the same friends on a worship team in the late 90's.  In fact, they sang "Arms of Love" at our wedding.  Newer songs usually play on my Pandora.  I felt like it was God's whisper.  And it became my prayer for them.  That they would feel drawn close to Jesus, wrapped in his arms of love, holding them near.

I think of the quote from Narnia about Aslan, "He isn't safe, but he is good."

Where would we be without Jesus in times like these?  I don't want to find out.

already behind

I am trying SO.HARD to find joy in the journey.  That's been my inner mantra this past week.  I'm having a few weeks (and probably a few yet to come) where I feel behind before I've even started.  I'm getting what I need done, but at the cost of a bit of my sanity.  It's the homefront, the workfront, the lifefront.  It's just full.

Joy in the journey.  So many around me are experiencing great heartbreak.  A 4-month old baby recently diagnosed with a brain disorder.  Much is yet unknown about her prognosis, but it seems without a miracle, her development will be severely impaired.  A 36-year old mom of three, with aggressive breast cancer looking at at least one year of intense treatment.

May day to day struggles pale in comparison to these journeys. 

Yet I struggle.  I want to focus on the positives.  I want to recognize the blessings.  I want to look at the big picture.  And I do.  I do all of these things.  Yet still I feel weighed down.  Overwhelmed.  Stuck.  Bleak.

I trust.  I trust in my Lord.  I trust in His plan.  I trust in His Word. 

I say, why so downcast O my soul.  Put your trust in the Lord.  Hide me in the shadow of your wings.  (Psalm 17:8, Psalm 43:5)

One day at a time.  One task at a time.  One moment at a time when necessary.

I soak in the affection of my daughters.  I bask in the love my of my husband.  I drown in the grace of my Savior.

I may already be behind this week, but I'm going to try again.  To seek after hope.  To find joy in the journey.

spoken word::the tension is good

From the Catalyst 2010 brochure.  Written by Ameena Brown.  If you haven't seen any of her videos, you need to.

We don't lead from
the safety of the fringe,
We take up residence
in the fray.

Where change is happening,
Where change is necessary.

There we find ourselves
in a unique tug-of-war
between what was,
what is, and what could be

We are faced with
the reality that we were
the catalyst in the moment.

A tension ensues between
our ambitions and our fears.

We are tempted to bail on our goals
but discover
that under pressure
our vision becomes
remarkably crystallized.

A hundred voices
attempt to sway us

and we find we must
lean into God with
a faith deeper than we have ever known.

Change happens
in the very place
where many leaders
flinch, fear, and fail.

The tension we resist
is actually by design,
It tests us, it tries us,
It conforms us to His image.

The tension is necessary,
The tension makes us strong,
The tension is good.

Where is the tension in your life right now?

in his presence

**warning: sad & heavy stuff ahead**

I am a bottler.  Meaning, I bottle my emotions.  I push them as far down as possible hopefully to never be seen again.  Only, when I finally have one of my bi-annual cries, usually all that junk comes up again and I cry for hours. 

I wish I wasn't this way.  There are days I wish I could make the tears that overflow my heart and well up into my eyes actually pour down my face.  It would make things easier sometimes.  To just get that emotion out.

Instead I end up dealing with my emotion in other ways.  I feel depressed.  I get headaches.  I have massive tension in my neck and shoulders.  I clench my teeth at night {and subsequently have worn a nightguard for many years to minimize the damage.}  Also, I run.  As the sweat pours out, so does some of the sadness and strife.

But if there was one place or time that I can actually let my emotion flow, it's at church.  As songs are lifted to heaven, and my voice rings out the truth of His love and His goodness and faithfulness, I can let my guard down.

This morning, was one such morning.  Bean was on the platform playing guitar.  I had all three girls with me because they enjoy seeing Daddy play worship, and they were doing some VBS songs later in the service.  I also love having the girls worship with us.  Sure they get antsy sometimes, but I want them to learn to experience God too.

As we sang, I held Lily in my arms.  Gracie was standing on the pew leaning against me, her sweet voice singing along as she grasped the words.  Miss Rose was next to us, standing with my mom.

On the platform was my good friend and co-worker, who's resignation would be announced at the end of the service.  I am excited for what God is going to do in his life, but I will miss him and his family as partners in ministry (and sometimes shenanigans).   There is a deep sadness.

You part the seas
You move the mountains with the words that you say
My song remains
God you reign

In the pew in front of me, worshiped a family who has suffered a great loss.  A baby boy, who lived just two days and was buried on Friday.  His funeral was one of the most heart-wrenching things I've ever experienced.  Watching his mom praise and worship was humbling and moving.  And then I think of Sara Joy, who experienced a tragic loss as well, but Saturday morning welcomed twins.  After the grief I witnessed and experienced on Friday, it was a welcome reminder of the goodness of God.  The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away.

You hold my life
You know my heart and you call me by name
I live to say, God you reign

I reach over, and bring my oldest daughter's head close to my side.  This daughter of mine, who is so intense and thinks far too deeply for her age.  Who is an enigma to me, on so many fronts.  Yet I long to find the key to her heart, to her mind.  I pray for Christ's presence to invade her in ways she doesn't understand.

God you reign
God you reign
Forever and ever, God you reign

And I fall apart.  Again and again.  In His presence. 

I remind myself, I can enter his presence anytime.  I can fall apart with him whenever I need to.

Because he reigns.  Forever.  He holds my life.  Their lives.  He knows my heart.  Their hearts.

I don't know what I would do without His presence.

embracing the day

I am often plagued by self-imposed guilt.  I'm an overachiever and a people pleaser.  My life is held in a very precarious balance.  When any little thing upsets that balance, my guilt usually increases.

When I'm going to work, I feel guilty for not being there with my kids.

When the balance has to swing towards my kids, I feel guilty for not being at work.

I feel guilty that Bean often makes dinner and does clean-up while I am with the kids.  Granted, he prefers to do that, and he knows how much I need that time to reconnect with the kids after a day at work.

I feel guilty when Bean sends me out for a run, because he rarely takes me up on similar offers.

I feel guilty when I take a slow day and don't get much cleaning or laundry done.

Since Lily was running a low grade fever last night (she's still asleep, so not sure how she is doing this morning) she needs to be home.  My job is more flexible and I can do things from home, so when it's possible, I usually stay home.  Bean is more than willing to stay home as needed (and he did last week). 

Last night I was letting the guilt overtake me.  Guilt for not being in the office.  Guilt for another "odd" week.  Last week my mother-in-law was sick so I stayed home on Monday and went to work on Thursday instead.  A change in my routine, in that precarious balance, isn't my favorite.

No matter what though, my family always comes first.  And I remind myself that ultimately, I work for God.  I minister to his people through my vocation.  God knows when my children will be sick.  God knows what responsibilities I have at work.

So I need to do a better job of trusting him and his infinite wisdom and not letting guilt consume me.

As the guilt was drowning me and my soul reached out to God to save me, I simply heard the word: embrace.

Embrace what the day holds.  Embrace the opportunity to cuddle my baby.  Embrace a slower morning.  Embrace an extra day with the kids.

Certainly I'll be checking in with work and doing some preparation during naptime.

But this is the day the Lord made, and I need to embrace it.

What challenges are you fighting against that you can embrace today?

the privilege of prayer

I have something special to share.  You want to read the text, and see the special photo at the end.

Although this blog focuses mostly on my children and family, thread throughout my posts, you will find my faith.  I have a strong faith in Jesus.  I believe the Bible is the inspired Word of God.  I was lucky enough to be born into a family of faith and raised that way. 

I was one of the odd kids who would cry, and by cry I mean sob, whenever we didn't go to church.  It was my favorite place to be as a kid.  It was my rock, my refuge, my lifeblood as a teenager.  Now, I work at a church.  Clearly, my faith and the church are important to me.

Prayer is a huge part of faith.  It's conversating with God.  Talking to him and listening to him talk back.  Does he talk to me in a audible voice?  Not usually.  But I hear his spirit in the quiet of my heart, in the still of my mind. 

I've spent my whole life praying.  Praying for guidence, for forgiveness, for help, for healing.  I will admit, much of my prayer has focused on myself.  But I've also prayed for the healing of family and friends.  I've seen God answer prayers.  These answers are people who are still alive today, who shouldn't be.  My best friend's mom who fought lymphoma for years and finally is cancer-free after a bone marrow transpalnt from a donor.  My mother-in-law, who is a stage 4 breast cancer survivor.  My childhood friend who had a heart transplant before she turned 30.  I could list so many more.

If you are a frequent reader, you know babies are my soft spot.  I dreamed my whole life of being a mom, and it's everything I hoped for and more.  I knew I was blessed to get pregnant on the first or second try with my first two children, and then to have an unexpected pregnancy. 

A little more than a year ago, I learned that a good friend was finally pregnant after a years-long struggle with infertility.  And I rejoiced with her!  Not long after, news came that this baby was not healthy.  This baby would probably not survive outside the womb.  And I prayed.  I prayed for healing.  I prayed for a miracle.  Then, as more understanding came, I prayed that this baby boy would not suffer.  He was born straight to Jesus' arms.

I continued to pray, for my friends.  For their pain and sorrow.  For healthy babies without medical intervention.  A miracle occured.  Within a few months, this mama found herself expecting again.  She alternated between grieving her son, and rejoicing in the healthy development of her daughter.

Suddenly, in just a few days, everything changed.  This much-awaited, much-prayed for baby girl was born much too soon, just before 25 weeks.  A mere 1 lb and 6oz.  And I prayed.  Hundreds, probably thousands prayed for this little one.  I often shared specific requests on my Facebook status, and friends of mine, who did not know this family, prayed and believed with me.  They waited anxiously for updates, and stopped me in the lobby at church.

I even fasted Diet Coke, which is huge for me.  It was the least I could do, as I prayed for this little one.  Prayed that she would survive the complications, that she would thrive and come home to her parents waiting arms.

I learned so much about prayer during those months.  As we saw her grow, and conquer challenges, I realized what an incredible privilege it was to be praying for her, to be a small part of the answers to prayer.  I firmly belive that the hundreds and thousands of people bombarding heaven on her behalf, made a difference in her life.  In her survival. 

Prayer is a privilege.  To be a part of how God works in someone's life.  To watch your prayers be answered.  And sometimes, to watch God answer them in the way only He knows as best.  To be able to pray, His will be done. 

I don't understand everything about prayer.  I just know that I pray.  That God responds.  And that I know, that I know.  That's enough for me.  I'm thankful for precious baby Finley.  She taught me an important lesson which will stay with me for the rest of my life.  It was such a privilege to pray for her and to see God move.

And it was such a privilege a few weeks ago, to hold this little miracle baby in my arms!  (It was a total coincidence that we matched!)

This is a miracle.  Finley is home.  Growing.  Thriving.  Showing no major signs of long-lasting effects of her prematurity.  She's 5 months old now, and about the size Gracie was when she was born.  But, can you see, she has a few leg rolls?!  Absolutely adorable.

Here's a close up (although she had just scratched her face).

Isn't that the sweetest little headband on her?

This is an answer to prayer.  What a privilege to have been a part of this miracle.

tired and blessed

I am one tired mama. This is one of our marathon weekends.  As much as I try to avoid having a lot going on in a weekend, sometimes it can't be helped.  I'm really working on my attitude and frame of mind about life.  Focusing on some of the thoughts I shared here.  This is the life God has blessed me with, and it is what I make it.

I spent a lot of time last night and this morning cleaning in preparation for Gracie's birthday party.  But that means I have a home, which we actually own.  It means we have plenty of toys, clothes and other belongings to get strewn about our home.

We went to our church Easter Egg hunt, at a local middle school.  I am thankful to be a part of a church that enjoys blessing our community.  We gave away a bike (which my nephew happened to win!), a playstation, ipods and more.  

Shortly after arriving home, it was time for Miss Gracie's 3rd birthday party, about which she was so excited.  I scurried to make the final preparations at home while Bean picked up pizza.  What a blessing to have enough money to have our large family over and feed them lunch. 

After the party (which was a huge hit and will get a post of it's own in the future) and clean-up, kids were down for naps and my sister and I escaped on a spur of the moment shopping trip.  With my sisters help, I actually got a few clothing items, that are in style, that are right for my body, and that fit.  Again, a blessing to have been able to find a little extra money in the budget for clothes.  And a sister that I enjoy spending time with.  

Once dinner was eaten, children were bathed and put to bed, it was time to turn to tomorrow.  I ironed dresses and skirts.  So far, Miss Rose is agreeing to wear a skirt and shirt--approved by her--for Easter.  I certainly hope my practical-dressing, tomboy daughter keeps that courage!!  What a blessing to have three beautiful daughters.  Watching friends go through struggles with infertility, gives new perspective on children.  I am blessed and amazed that I have three daughters to dress for Easter tomorrow.

And then it was assembling Easter baskets.  But it's not about the baskets or the candy or little gifts.  It's about the Savior.  It's about his gift.  I want to teach my children that Easter isn't about new clothes and candy.  It's about new life and the sweetness life with Christ brings. 

So yes, I'm tired.  But I am so, so blessed.

today

Today...I am tired.  I feel like I could stay in bed and sleep the entire day.  But I was up early and out of the house with the kids at 7:30am because the bigger girls had dentist appointments.  They've been "watching " one of Miss Rose's back molars, and today he said it's crossed over to the dark side and it's time for a filling.  Unfortunately she has soft teeth with deep grooves.  I'm hoping her permanent teeth are stronger.  I'm NOT looking forward to the cavity appointment.  I am quite confident we'll be paying the fee for nitrous oxide.  Remember this experience when she had shots at the doctor's office?  That was over a year ago, she's quite taller and weighs 10 more pounds.  I'm not thinking she'll take well to the shots in her mouth.

Today...I have a sore throat and headache.  Along with being tired.  A few families at church have had strep throat recently, as did Miss Rose a month ago or so.  Not that I think I got it from any of them (if I have it) but apparently, it's going around.  I'm hoping I don't have strep.

Today...I'm going to spend as much time on the couch as possible.  Thankfully, Gracie is in love with Ice Age-the Dinosaurs.  I'm not sure the exact title, but that's what she calls it.  She's perfectly happy to lay on the couch with me watching it.  Miss Rose rarely watches more than abou 45min of TV or a movie before she's bored and wanting to move on to the next thing, so I'm glad she's at school!

Today...I have many things that could or should be done.  That's what happens when you work a few days a week and are home a few days.  Everything piles up.  Errands, chores, cleaning, organizing.  I don't know that any of them will get done today.

Today...I'm just working on making it through today.  I seem to cycle through weeks of positive thinking and outlook on my crazy, busy life.  But then weeks like this one come along, and without any real rhyme or reason I feel overwhelmed and discontent with the balancing act.  I know I'm not the only one.  All working mothers experience it.  No matter how much you love your job or are fulfilled by it, being a mom is stil number one, and it's hard when you aren't living up to your own expectations.  Even when you've lowered those expectations quite significantly.

Today...is the day the Lord has made.  I will rejoice and be glad in it.  A few mornings ago, this verse came to mind as I was driving Miss Rose to school.  Gracie and Lily were in the car too, and our next stop was Grammie's, where they would be for the day while I went to work.  I was already missing them.  Feeling sad that I had two more days of work before I could be more hands on with them.  And I thought to myself, if THIS is the day the Lord made, then no matter what the day holds, whether I like it's contents or not, I need to rejoice and be glad.  Not an easy pill to swallow when I'd rather just wallow in self-pity.  Because THIS is the day the Lord made.  He made my day.  He knows the contents of my day.  He knows what I have to do and where I have to be.  So I need to trust him, and rejoice and be glad.

The trusting part I'm doing okay with.  Rejoicing and being glad...I'm working on it.  But I am resting in the knowledge that he made today.  THIS day.

you give and take away

I love worship music.  I love to worship.  I love to sing worship.  I love to lead worship.  In a former life, that was my primary area of ministry (remember, I'm a pastor).  It's in worship, that I feel closest to God, that I can pour my heart out and where God really speaks to me.

In the course of worship on a Sunday morning, there is usually a phrase or portion of a song that sticks out to me--that touches me--that reveals something new about God and how he works to me.

This past Sunday it was Blessed Be The Name by Matt Redman.  I've sung that song, I've led that song probably hundreds of times.  Sometimes it's over-sung, but I never tire of the words in every part of the song.  As we sang it this Sunday, I recalled the most recent time I sang it, which was at Eddie's memorial service.  A very fitting song for such an occasion.

What struck me in a new way was the phrase "you give and take away."  Taken straight from Job 1:21.
Job knew pretty much the limits of what can be taken away--his children, his livelihood, the support of his wife and friends.  Yet he said he would bless the Lord.

So often we look at those as two separate things.  We can make a list of the things the Lord has given us--the blessings, the provisions, the miracles.  Then we make a list of what has been taken away--the loved ones we have lost, the jobs, relationships, opportunities.

What hit me Sunday was that these two things actually are quite connected.  Whenever God takes something, he also gives.  It's not that he replaces what has been taken with a duplicate or similar thing.  But he never leaves us without.

When I was 7 months pregnant, my job was taken from me.  I'll spare you the details, but it was a very difficult time.  I lost much more than a job.  But, through those circumstances the Lord gave me the opportunity to spend Miss Rose's first 16 months with her.  I worked at a daycare for a few months and I was able to bring Miss Rose with me.  Then I was home and also watched my niece full-time for her first year.  I am so glad she was able to be with me, and Miss Rose (they are just 4 months apart) for that crucial first year.  She holds a special place in my heart because of that year we shared together.

See the connection?  I'm not necessarily saying God took my job, but he did allow it to be taken--yet he also gave me so much.

I think about the loss of my friend Eddie.  His wife and sons have lost so much.  He was taken from them much too soon.  Yet, they are gaining a close relationship with his two best friends and their families.  They are gaining a circle of friends and supporters who want to be there for them in every way possible. 

If there is anyone in my life who knows the principles in this verse, it's my friend A.  After a few years of struggling with infertility, she was finally blessed with a pregnancy.  A baby boy.  After multiple ultrasounds and doctor appointments (routine when you have infertility treatments) it wasn't until her Level 2 ultrasound about halfway through the pregnancy they found out little Cole had a rare skeletal disorder and wouldn't survive.  Just a few weeks later he was born to heaven and then delivered onto this earth.

The Lord gave.  Then the Lord took away.  Then the Lord gave again just a few months later when A. found herself pregnant again, without any infertility treatments.  She wasn't even done grieving her son, as she also rejoiced in a precious daughter.  Baby Finley, who was born at just 26 weeks.  What?  How could the Lord take away again?  Why would he bless them with this unexpected pregnancy so soon after losing a son, only for it to be troubled and a baby born almost too soon?  Those are answers we still don't know.

What we do know is against most odds,  Baby Finley is thriving.  She's up to 4 pounds, from her birth weight of 1 pound and 6 ounces.  She's expected to go home soon.  Sure, the road ahead is still long, peppered with various challenges.  But Finley is a survivor.  She's Mighty Mouse.  The Lord did give.

The Lord has given them his sufficient grace.  The Lord has given probably hundreds around them, the privilege of praying for this baby girl and her parents.  There are people in my church, friends of mine who have never been A. or this family.  But they pray.  They constantly ask me for updates.  The Lord has given increased faith.  The Lord has given a testimony.  As Psalm 126:5 says, they've sown many tears, but now they will reap songs of joy.

God never leaves us hanging.  Whenever we lose someone or something, he also provides.

The next time you sing this song, the next time you grieve over the loss of something in your life, open your eyes to look for what God is giving you.  Because he is.  I'm certain of that.

Are you in the midst of that "taking away" part of the verse?  Hold on, because the giving is coming.  I promise.  He promises.

(Want to know what I can't stop listening to right now?  David Crowder's new album.  The lyrics, the music, it all gets me.)

I would like you to meet him

I've been writing a lot about our longtime friend Eddie who passed away the day after Christmas.

I'd like you to meet him.  Well, he's hanging with Jesus, so you really can't meet him.  But you can learn a little about him.  And perhaps reading some of these words will give you small picture into the man he was and the legacy he leaves.  And perhaps it will inspire you to think about your legacy.

Eddie's Obituary...

Eddie lived life in a way left an imprint on the hearts of all who knew him. To those who called him friend he was faithful, real, loyal, a talented musician. To the two who called him Daddy, he was gentle, caring, bigger than life, heroic and always there for them. To the one who called him by the dearest of names, he was sensitive, strong, selfless, patient and forgiving--a man of faith who loved her as much as life itself.

As for priorities, Eddie's were clear, and the result is a life's mission passed on to those of us left behind: believe in God, love unconditionally, give yourself away and always put people first. Eddie's presence will be painfully missed, but the legacy of his life so well-lived on the earth thrives in the spirits of his two young boys and his strong and Godly wife. Eddie went to be with his Lord and Savior on December 26, 2009. He was 33 years old. He is survived by his wife, Alison, sons Gavin (4 yrs. old) and Logan (2 yrs. old), and his grandparents, Donald and Evangeline.

Here's the thing.  What I've been thinking on a bit lately.

Eddie had a far from picture perfect life.  He was not a golden boy by any means.  His childhood held things no child should see or experience.  His teen years lacked strong parental support (although his grandparents stepped in).  As a result, his early adulthood was somewhat tumultuous too.  It took Eddie a while to find his way.

I knew Eddie from the time we were kids, so I always called him friend.  Everything else was inconsequential.  Eddie had amazing people come alongside him in his life.  Many weeks, half of his time was spent at one best friend's house and the other half at my husband's.  His wife thanked these two moms for "raising" Eddie.

You know what though, if I was a mom of a junior high or high school aged son, and he brought a friend home like Eddie, I wonder what my reaction would be.  Our instincts are to protect of course.  And to shelter.  Would I have wanted to shelter my son from Eddie?  Would I have been concerned with the influence his rough life might have on my child?  Would I have discouraged the friendship?

Because if these two surrogate moms had done that, Eddie wouldn't have been the man he was.  These moms were Christlike.  They saw a potential, a need in Eddie, and welcomed him into their homes and their families.

How I hope that I will have the eyes of Christ when my children bring their friends home.  That I find that potential in each one, regardless of the good and bad of their lives, and help them realize it.  My heart has plenty of room to love more children as my own.

Thank you my friends, for encouraging me, and listening to my grief.  Your words mean so much to me.

tumbling words

The thoughts tumble around in my head.  So many thoughts, on various things, both serious and trite.  But the words are hard to come.  Words mean a lot.  Especially the written (or typed) word. 

In the last year, thanks to blogging and facebook and twitter, I have come to value the written word and understand the importance of your words.  It's easy to forget that there is an audience, whether big or small.  On Facebook, there is no way of tracking who reads your status updates or wall posts by friends.  And a lot is revealed in those words.  I'm careful to not be nonchalant about my words.  I know who my potential audience is (especially on Facebook and Twitter) and I strive to strike a balance of honesty with wisdom. 

If I'm in conflict with a friend, family member or co-worker, social media probably is not the place to vent or share my angry or frustrated words.  But if I'm having a bad day, if I'm sad or deliriously happy--I love to share those moments.  Or the funny things my kids do or say, or the overflow of my heart at that moment.  I enjoy reading those pieces of others lives, and so I share my own.  I'm a very relational person and I count many as my good friends and have kept in touch with friends from childhood.  Facebook has helped feed this part of my life!

But lately, the words tumble around, and I just can't choose which ones to articulate.

There are a lot of sad words.  We honored the life of my friend Eddie on Saturday.  An extremely hard day, bittersweet as it brought together friends of old.  It's still such a fresh wound.  Not only does his loss affect me, but it has a profound effect on my husband, my brother-in-law, and other dear friends.  We are a big extended family who has lost one of our own.

I've reflected on the past year, and am looking ahead to new things in 2010.  I have some things I hope to work on and change about myself, our finances, how our family runs etc.  But I guess I'm just not ready to commit them to the screen.

We had a wonderful Christmas and there are fun photos to share.  Funny stories of the past week as we spent time together as a family--our first "vacation" since both Bean and I were off for Lily's birth. 

God is doing a lot of work in me.  The last half of 2009 brought some great spiritual revelations to my life and heart.  I'm looking forward to more of that in 2010.  I wrote in my journal tonight, "I want to be a better me.  A better wife and mother, a better pastor, friend and follower of Christ."  Our church is preparing to embark upon a Daniel fast next week.  I'm very excited about it--for my own life and our church as a whole.  I fasted for a long period of time in college and it was one of the greatest experiences of my life. 

I don't want this blog to become a dreary place.  I am finding solace in the Lord, in His Word, and also the new David Crowder album.  I am trying to focus on rejoicing that Eddie is loving his new life in heaven.  But yet my heart remains so heavy for his family and close friends.

My brother-in-law said some wise words on Saturday to a few of us.  He listed off the stages of grief, and then he said--"yeah, but it's not like that when you have God."  Certainly you are angry, but you trust God.  You may walk in denial or bargain with God that it didn't have to be this way, but yet you trust that His way is higher than our way.

So my words continue to tumble around in my head.  Pardon the silence on my blog as of late.  When you are reminded of the brevity of life and suddeness of death, you want what you say to matter.  I guess that's what it is.  I don't want to blog, just to blog.  I don't want to put on the happy face, when I'm sad.  But I don't want to wallow in grief either.  So, I will figure this out.  And I know it will change me, and perhaps even my piddly little blog for the better.

Hopefully this is first in the process of becoming a better me.

what matters

The end of this year has just pretty much sucked. I try not to use that kind of language, especially around my kids. But it's sucked. Death, sickness, hospitalizations for family & friends. There have been some good times intermixed in the week (hanging out with good friends, and friends I haven't seen in a long time), but the death of our dear friend and brother Eddie, has just left a cloud of sadness over everything. Even last night, when we were at a Bowl game, and the atmosphere was fun, everything made me think of Eddie, and his family. Just sadness.

(you can read more here, here & here)

But these events have given Bean and I perspective, once again. Family and togetherness is what matters. It doesn't matter what else may be going on, or have happened, being together makes it all okay.

It didn't matter that in the course of a few hours the afternoon of New Years Eve, we had an extra toddler in our home while the neighbors made a quick trip the ER (torn ligament for the Mister). It didn't matter that my mom came home from the hospital after a hip replacement surgery. It didn't matter that Bean and Miss Rose left to get my mom's prescriptions, but the wait was long, so he left, got garlic bread at the store, dropped Miss Rose and the bread home, then returned to the pharmacy.

It was chaotic. Tiring. Not New Year's Eve-ish at all.

But we put it all aside, for our

Second Annual New Year's Eve Family Ice Cream Night.

Together.

We ate ice cream. Good, gooey ice cream. Even the baby. Who kept screaming for more. (I ate ice cream too, there were just no photos of it.)

I was dressed in fine satin, Sakura Bloom style! With my sweet, silly, girls. (Don't you love how you can see their individuality in this photo? I do.)

Bean and his girls. They love him, and he loves them. I see his love for them grow daily, and it melts my heart. (Can you tell the sugar is kicking in for Gracie?)

Then the sugar hit full force. Yes, Gracie is wearing one of her infamous sock-gloves. After she was buckled in, she told us she was doing her exercises, as she raised her arms up and down. Completely random; and hilarious. As you can see, Miss Rose was cracking up!

We were together.  And that's what matters.  I don't take it for granted.  My heart and prayers are with Eddie's family, who won't be together with him again this side of heaven.  And for other dear friends who have loved and lost this year.

 

Family. Together. What matters.

heaven

*I know these posts are a bit of a deviation from my usual topics, but I write what is close to my heart and while normally it's family stuff, right now it's heavier things.

Sometime in the last few weeks I had my first conversation with Miss Rose about heaven and hell.  She was asking some questions about consequences on earth, and I was explaining that there are eternal consequenes also.  As it is with most children her age, the conversation wasn't long, but she revisited it later that night as I was tucking her in.

"Mama, what's heaven like?"
"Just imagine all of your favorite things and everything that makes you happy and that's what it will be like forever."
"You mean, like having a Nintendo DS"? (something she doesn't have yet but wants so desparately)
"Yes honey, like that."
"Will their be food in heaven?  Toys?"
"Yup--better than all of that."
"Will you be in heaven?  Daddy?"
"Of course sweetheart, we will be."

With a satisfied sigh, and a look of contentment on her face, she snuggled down into her covers.  Of course I was touched that when it came down to it, the presence of her parents in heaven was what translated to her as the best thing ever. 

Our converstion came back to me as I have been reflected on the life of my friend today, and his new residence in heaven. 

He's there now.  With other loved ones.  This morning, I was imagining him cradling Baby Grace, as he knew her mom. 

And I longed for heaven.  To take up residence there.  For Jesus to return and take all of us Home.

Although I'm putting in a request.  I'd like my mansion to be on on a particular street.  A street where my childhood friends, many of whom are my adulthood friends also, live on one side and my college and adult friends live on the other. 

I love these people so much.  We share so many special memories.  If I could live near them all now, I would.  In fact there are some of us who have been reconnecting in person lately, and it's just been the best times.  We share such a bond, over so many things.

So I want a mansion by all of them.  I guess my friend is just one of the first to take up permanent residence in our new community.  Hold our spot buddy.  We're coming.

[and yes, did the tears ever flow this morning at church. the presence of God brings such freedom and comfort. being a pastor, I was in two services, and could barely sing a note. but it was good.  tears are good.]

giving...and recieving...

I've always loved the scripture in Luke 6:38 that reads:

"Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."

Who doesn't like the idea of something "pressed down shaken together and running over."

Of course the key here the first part, "give."  Giving isn't always easy.  True giving is giving when it isn't easy, giving should count.

There are some areas of life that I have no trouble giving.  I will easily give of my time.  Watching other children, listening, doing favors, running errands.

Honestly however, things worth money aren't as easy for me.  We don't have much "spending money" in our budget.  We can buy what we need and certainly we do spend money on extracurricular stuff.  But I rarely go out and spend $20 or $40 just because I like a clothing item or impulse buy something.  I've been procrastinating buying a crockpot for about three months now because it's not a "must have".

Bean manages our money, which is perfectly fine with me.  Being in accounting, he has a particular way of doing things and approach to finances.  When we were first married, it was quickly clear that we wouldn't see eye to eye on how to handle things, so it was better to let him do his thing.  He does a great job.  Bills are always paid and needs are always met.  Let me be clear that ANY time I have expressed a need, and sometimes even a want to him, he always finds a way to make the money available.  He doesn't like saying no to me.  And I don't want to take advantage of that.

When I discovered craigslist, ebay & resale stores, it was a beautiful thing.  A way to take items we no longer needed and turn them into a little cash.  Cash that was usually mine to decide what to do with it.  I could sell old clothes I didn't wear, and buy a few new items.  I could upgrade or change things I was using with the kids.  My own little spending stash.  I'm talking like $20 at a time though--no big bills usually!!  Plus I love saving money on buying used things and making money on things we no longer need.

This means I often eye things as potential sales and potential cash.  I will have items sitting around for months with the intention to try to sell them, before I ever get around to actually listing them somewhere.  But I don't want to get rid of it because just maybe it will earn me $5 or $10.  I know it sounds a little greedy, and I'll admit perhaps it is.  But also trying to be a good steward of our money and posessions.

Lately though, I've had the opportunity to gift various items to friends and family.  Items that maybe would have fetched a few dollars, but I found that gifting them meant far more.  Maternity clothes, baby clothes and similar items.

When I won a contest and recieved a prize of wonderful baby products, I couldn't use them all.  So, slowly I've been gifting them out to family and friends.  I'll admit, at times I've checked on ebay or craigslist, to see what they might fetch, but I found that what I got for giving them away was worth more.

A sling to my sister-in-law; baby shoes to my other sister-in-law; a fabulous large designer diaper bag to my friend expecting twins; baby clothes to a friend unexpectedly starting her family; a Moses basket to a high school friend I reconnected with on Facebook and a few more things I have plans to dole out.

And guess what, scripture is right!  I love when I get great reminders of the truth of God's Word.

I've been recieving back what I've given, pressed down, shaken together and running over.

Last week my friend alerted me to the fact that I had won a blog giveaway--which she had urged me to enter.  We weren't quite sure what the prize was, but since this was the designer of the fabric for my crib bedding, we thought it would be fun.  Although sewing is an interest of mine, I don't really have time for it.  So I'll probably be gifting much of this prize to my same friend and maybe we'll do a sewing project together.

And then a few days later, I blogged about the fullness of my life and I got a comment from one of my favorite bloggers that I had won HER giveaway for Red Envelope.  It makes me feel a bit like a D-List blogging celebrity, when I find out that an A-list blogger has visited my blog and commented!  So Stephanie's visit, and my win were wonderful.

Then...my friend from church came  by to add to the stuff she had given me at church the night before...clothes and shoes for Gracie, DVD's and a red Elmo chair which has been a hit in our house.

A few hours later that same day, I hopped on craigslist and did my search for "Maclaren", that I do several times a week, looking for a stroller I can afford.  I've been wanting a Maclaren for several months...and then I began NEEDING one as our stroller was stolen off our front porch.  Well, I needed a stroller, and that was my top choice.  Those suckers are hard to find on craigslist, much less at an affordable price.  What do you know!  A single Maclaren popped up for $50, with a phone number.  I quickly called and set a time that evening to check it out.  And what do you know, the stroller was red!  And now it's mine! (In the 4 hours between when I called and bought the stroller, three others had called--but I was the first call.)

Pressed down, shaken together and truly running over.

Giving is the true blessing.  Recieving is like sprinkles on a cupcake.  They make it more fun and exciting, but aren't the true substance.

Yes, this is a season of giving.  But we should give year 'round.  What can you give? 

It's good to be a child of God.

I know who I am

For the past few Sundays in church we've been singing the song "I Know Who I Am." As I was worshipping and singing along (yup, I'm the one who sings slightly too loud next to you) various implications of the words came pouring into my mind.

"I know who I am, I am yours."

Even when I feel like a failure, I am the Lord's.

When I feel cheated, slighted, ignored or abandoned, I am still HIS.

It doesn't matter many things remain on my "to-do" list, it doesn't matter that I don't cook or bake as much as I would like to for my family. It doesn't matter that vegetables aren't always served every day.

When I know I've disappointed God, my family or friends. When I haven't lived up to my own potential.

I still belong to Jesus. He made me. He chose me. He gave me the life I live.

As long as I keep that in perspective, everything else will fall into place.

I know who I am. I am a child of God. I am the wife of my husband. I am the mother of my children. The daughter of my parents, the sister of my siblings. These things don't change. I know who I am.

I am yours Lord. And you are mine. Jesus, you are mine.

(and if you ever get the chance to see Israel Houghton in concert...it's an incredible worship & music experience)

I'll keep trying

Lately I've been feeling that some of my discipline hasn't been getting through to Miss Rose. We keep having the same problems over and over. She can be very ungrateful. She chooses to focus on what we said "no" to, quickly forgetting all that we've said "yes" to. And the complaining and the whining. It never ends!

So today, when faced with an ungrateful, complaining child, I decided to try a new method of discipline. I never want to discipline just for the sake of discipline. It needs to be a learning process.

After multiple warnings, a spanking was imminent. The story of the ungrateful lepers that Jesus healed came to mind. I found one of our Children's Bible's in order to have a lesson before the spanking this time.

I sat with Miss Rose and explained we were going to read a Bible story before the discipline and then we'd pray together. I read her the story.

Her response, while in tears, "I know that story, and I don't understand what it has to do with my problem."

Well then.

I confess, I was unable to contain myself. I tried to keep it in, but I giggled a bit. And had to gather myself. At least she knew the Bible story was supposed to be applicable.

I explained how she needs to be more grateful. I think she got it.

If not, well, I'll keep on trying.

Praying...

This is just one family's journey that happens to be very public. Just think of how many other families are walking through similar shadowed valley's. Each time I check for an update and pray for Stellen, I say a pray for all the sick babies and children in this world and their families.



Won't you be so glad when we all join together in that wonderful place where there are no more tears? I certainly can't wait.



Hug your little ones and kiss your babies. We are blessed.