pardon my absence...

First of all, summer is kicking my butt!  The kids have so much energy and are constantly wanting to do something new or different.  And Lily at 2 and a half wants to do whatever her big sisters are doing.  And she needs supervision most of the time.

My kids are also eating a TON!  We send snacks and lunch to Grandma's house and today they ate all the food we sent, plus a bunch of her food.  And they are only 7, 4 and 2.  And they are girls.  I can't imagine if they were boys, who typically are said to eat more.  I'm going to try a few recipes this weekend for homemade energy bits and fiber bars.

Secondly, Bean and I are doing Insanity.  Today was Day 9.  Of 63.  There's one rest day per week, and one day of Yoga, but it's pretty intense.  Insane if you will.  Most days we workout right after work, before dinner.  In the backyard with the laptop because the fresh air (even though it's hot) and the space is much nicer than our small, stuffy living room.

These workouts kill me.  In a good way.  But still, they kill me.  By the time we get through dinner and getting the kids to bed, I am toast--physically and mentally.  My brain power for blogging is mush.

Thirdly, I have a new blog in the works!  Like with my own url and everything.  Which is connected to the mush in my brain right now.  The design is there, thanks to my friend Liz.  But I still have a lot to do on my end.  But, the mush.

My goal is to launch it by August 1st. But in the meantime, when I do have brainpower, I'm going to put it towards the new blog.

So, there is a reason behind my absence.  But you can always find me here and a little bit here too.

the best I can do?

How often do you find yourself thinking, or saying "I'm doing the best I can."

I am pretty sure I both say and think it quite a bit.  Sometimes, it's quite true.

Often I think its how we give ourselves permission to not achieve perfection.  We know perfection is impossible, yet we still want it, or at least the appearance of it.

Other times, we use that phrase as a cop-out, an excuse.  If we say "I'm doing the best I can" no one can really fault us.  They feel pressured to accept it as truth, because "the best I can" is relative, it's not objective.

No one else can tell you what the best you can do is.  They may try, but usually they just say "ok" and leave it at that.

Has anyone ever challenged you though, and said "I think you can do better?"  I don't think anyone has ever challenged me in that way.  It would be difficult to hear, but I'd like to think I'd take inventory and truly investigate if I was doing the best I could.

I'm in the process of reading and teaching the book The Me I Want to Be by John Ortberg, and that's exactly what his wife told him.  She approached him with several things she wasn't happy with and he said "I'm doing the best I can" and she said "no, you're not.  You're not living up to what you teach and preach or what you've done in the past."  That incident was one of the factors that lead to the journey which turned into this book.

It really has caused me to stop and think.  I believe I've been accepting too much mediocrity in my life.  Mediocrity that I'm to blame for.  I let things go in the house.  I don't keep up with various cleaning and organizing tasks.  Yes it's true that I'm tired, that I'm busy, that I'm a working mom of young children, that I need to take care of myself.

But truly, these things I leave undone for far too long, take probably a maximum of twenty minutes to complete.  Easily done.  But discipline and a plan is required.

In some respects, I'm NOT doing the best I can, even though I try to pretend I am.  And it's not about perfection or getting things done.  A lot of times, I just forget what needs to be done when I have the time to do it, until it's too late and I'm too tired.  The bottom line is I feel better about myself and better about life in general when I am on top of these basic tasks.

This last week and weekend were pretty out of control.  The little girls were sick and I was trying to get work stuff accomplished from home. Then I taught a class all day Friday and most of Saturday.  When I got home on Saturday we drove 90 miles to one of my best friends baby showers.  Sunday was a busy day at church and I officiated a memorial service in the afternoon and didn't get home until 3:30pm.

I had every reason to sit around on Monday and relax.  But so many areas of my home needed attention. And we were all home and it was a warm, beautiful day.  In actually started on Sunday when I cleaned the kitchen and dining room floors.  Monday I went to work cleaning, purging and organizing in the girls' rooms.  I de-cluttered other parts of the house.  It pretty much took all day, between stops to play with the kids, attend to them, and take care of life as well.

It felt good.  It energized me.  And when I walk into the bedrooms, it's like a breath of fresh air now.  I can say on Monday, I truly did the best I could.

This morning, I got up at 5:15am so that I could run.  Bean had to leave at 6am and I'm needed to be back in the house by then.  Yes, it was early.  But I haven't been running enough and I've been more on edge and tense.  So running early, was my best.

I have a list of forms I'm going to print from Monday Saving Mom and Simple Mom to help me organize.  I love lists and organization, routines and plans. But I've been slacking big time.  It's time to step it up.  I'm going to find what works for me.  I want to do truly do the best I can do.  I don't want to settle for mediocrity any longer.

I'll still have days I slack.  We'll still spend days in our jammies.  But I want to have earned those days.

I want to know I'm truly doing the best I can.  Because I know I'll be happier when I am.

What do you think?  Do you use this as a cop-out sometimes?  Are there any downloads, forms, schedules etc that you find helpful?

already behind

I am trying SO.HARD to find joy in the journey.  That's been my inner mantra this past week.  I'm having a few weeks (and probably a few yet to come) where I feel behind before I've even started.  I'm getting what I need done, but at the cost of a bit of my sanity.  It's the homefront, the workfront, the lifefront.  It's just full.

Joy in the journey.  So many around me are experiencing great heartbreak.  A 4-month old baby recently diagnosed with a brain disorder.  Much is yet unknown about her prognosis, but it seems without a miracle, her development will be severely impaired.  A 36-year old mom of three, with aggressive breast cancer looking at at least one year of intense treatment.

May day to day struggles pale in comparison to these journeys. 

Yet I struggle.  I want to focus on the positives.  I want to recognize the blessings.  I want to look at the big picture.  And I do.  I do all of these things.  Yet still I feel weighed down.  Overwhelmed.  Stuck.  Bleak.

I trust.  I trust in my Lord.  I trust in His plan.  I trust in His Word. 

I say, why so downcast O my soul.  Put your trust in the Lord.  Hide me in the shadow of your wings.  (Psalm 17:8, Psalm 43:5)

One day at a time.  One task at a time.  One moment at a time when necessary.

I soak in the affection of my daughters.  I bask in the love my of my husband.  I drown in the grace of my Savior.

I may already be behind this week, but I'm going to try again.  To seek after hope.  To find joy in the journey.

she just wanted me

I read this post of MckMama's tonight.  I remember reading it the first time she posted it.  Such truth to those words.

In fact, I had my own similar experience tonight which I had thought about blogging.  Reading her post has prompted me to do so.

Gracie-girl, my sweet Gracie, is becoming quite the handful.  Part of it is the influence of her older sister.  Part of it is her age.  Part of it is perhaps feeling like she misses out on attention she wants because she has an 18-month old baby sister.

When she doesn't get her way, she often says "I never get to _____."  When asked to do something, often her initial response is no.  How she talks to us and responds is often disrespectful.  This weekend in the car she requested a particular CD.  Miss Rose was already in tears over something else, so I felt that we needed some worship music.  Gracie did not like that I was changing it from the kids music and she chucked a toy towards me and the front of the van in disgust.  I hadn't pulled away from the house yet.  I quickly got out of the car, pulled her out the carseat and spanked her.  I had two crying children in my car.  It was such a treat.

Gracie has also learned how to turn on the tears.  She doesn't do it too frequently, but it's happened enough for me to observe that she can control her tears.  After all the usual stalls and requests and bedtime routines, Bean told me Gracie was crying in her bed and wanted me to come lay with her.

This was at least 15 minutes after we had left the room.  Maybe more.  I thought--no, I'm not going to lay with her.  She's just trying to postpone bedtime and manipulate me.  Sure enough when I entered the room she was sitting up, expectant.  When I asked her what she needed, the tears began, with her request that I lay with her.

I figured, I'll compromise.  If I refuse, it will prolong her bedtime.  But, since I realize she's dragging bedtime out, I will put a limit on it.  So I told Gracie I would lay with her for two minutes.

I laid down and she curled up into me, like she did as an infant when we co-slept.  She nestled her head in the crook of my neck and shoulder, just like she did for so many nights as an infant and toddler when I sang to her before a nap or bedtime.

My girl just wanted me.  Sure she was postponing bedtime and using her tears to do it.  But she really did want me and need me. 

And she deserved those few minutes I spent with her.   Because often her requests are put to the side as I deal with a demanding 18 month old.  Spending those few minutes with her, meant a lot more to her, than using them for something else would have meant to me.

This is why I am a mom.  And why I love it so much.

it was good while it lasted [18]

I intended to blog each day this month.  Several times I've scheduled posts to publish in order to keep up this streak.  One night, Bean asked if I'd blogged, which I had forgotten about, so I did it real quick.

It was good while it lasted, because I had too much going on yesterday and forgot to blog.  I realized it this morning.  Not that it's that big of a deal, but it was fun to keep the streak going. 

Thursdays I'm fried from 4 days of balancing work and home.  I don't usually plan to do much, other than what needs to be done with the family and restoring my sanity.  Yesterday we went to playgroup and then picked up Miss Rose from a half-day at school.  I had a chance to run in the afternoon while my mom sat with Miss Rose and the little girls slept.  We made some sandwiches and headed out to watch an hour of my nephew's baseball game.  Came home and I headed out with Lily to rehearsal for our Easter production.  It was almost 10 by the time I got home and got Lily in bed.

So I'm sure you understand why blogging was not in the forefront of my mind.

I would like to finish out the month, and now that I forgot once, I probably won't forget again.  But if I do, I know it's no big deal. 

Speaking of streaks, I'm doing well with not eating sugar.  But at this point, it's just getting flat-out annoying!  I'm annoyed with Bean eats treats and I can't.  I'm annoyed when I turn down cookies at playgroup or cake at a wedding shower.  I am counting down the days to April 1.  Because jelly beans, cadbury eggs and See's Candy are all calling my name.

I'm going to keep a balance though.  And not eat sugar so mindlessly.  I have noticed a little bit of change in my body.  I'm very close to my goal weight, so the last few pounds don't come off easily.  I've been counting calories this week and doing okay.  I did decide to weigh myself at the beginning of this week, because I was going to be counting calories, and I wanted to see if I was eating too many or the right amount to see a loss. 

I'll be back later today with a blog for today.   This is yesterday's make-up!

16:: How did I do it?

A post in which I give myself kudos.

I think the question "how do you do it" is commonly heard by moms of young children, no matter what their situation is.  I hear it all the time as a working mom of young children.  Other moms who's husbands work long hours, who's husbands work 24-hour shifts, who juggle homeschooling, and many other challenges in life, are awe-inspiring.

My own mom asks me that question.  A woman who, although she didn't work, had her first three children in the same timespan as mine, who's husband work long hours and often multiple jobs.

My mother-in-law asks me that question.  A woman who raised her sons on her own from the time they were 6 and 8, and the support she got in the years prior to that was minimal. 

Today, while Bean took Miss Rose to t-ball practice, I decided to go for a run with the little girls in the double jogger.  I don't run much with the jogger anymore.  Because I can run in my neighborhood, usually Bean sends me out on my own since I'll be back in not too long. 

I used to run 3-4 times a week with Gracie and Miss Rose in the double jogger for 40-45 minutes.  I did it without thinking.  I needed to run for my sanity and I enjoyed staying in shape, so I just did it.  I ran with them in the jogger well into my pregnancy with Lily.  Miss Rose hasn't been small since she was about 6 months old, and calculating in the stroller, I was pushing close to 100lbs.

Pushing the jogger today was no joke.  I definitely couldn't go as fast as I do on my own.  My jogger is awesome and pushes so easily.  But still, it's a whole other thing than running on your own.  I can't believe I used to do this 3-4 times a week.  I almost can't imagine it now.

I thought to myself, "how did I do it?"  And I was reminded, when you want to, when you need to, when you have to, you just do.  When it's important enough to you, you make things happen. 

This is a good thing!  And once you move past that part of your life, you look back and wonder how you did it. 

So, kudos to me, for running with that double jogger so much a few years ago.  If I need to do it more often, I know I can.  And I just may be doing that this summer! 

What do you need to give yourself kudos for?

14:: blog food for thought

I've read a couple good blog entries this week.  Themes that I identify with.  The circumstances prompting these blogs don't mirror my own life, but the message can apply to anyone.  If you let it.

Because, when it comes to life, you and you alone can live YOUR life.

Because you may not always feel strong and when the responsibilities of life stare you in the face, you don't know how you will, but you just do it,  because it's what you do.

There will be challenges in life.  Challenges you choose.  Challenges that develop.  Challenges you don't expect.  But life is what you make it.  And you can choose to make it fun, and enjoyable and you can choose to bloom where you're planted.

Life rarely goes how you plan.  Because His plans are higher than ours.  But, you can embrace the life you didn't expect.

It's too easy for me to focus on other people's yards, without gazing upon the beauty and uniqueness of my own.

It's tempting to contrast and compare this and that in my life, with this and that in their life.  To grab that score sheet and tally up the difficulties or the unfairness.

To forget that Jesus loves me and he loves my family and he is in control.

It's when I get selfish and focus on myself that things get all messed up.  That's when I experience anxiety and begin to break down mentally.  That's when I have headaches for five days.

Because it all seems and feels so impossible.  Because I worry that my children are missing out on me.  Because I feel like a failure that my home is rarely picked up and laundry sits on the couch for days at a time. 

But that's because my eyes are on me.  They aren't on Him.  When my eyes are on my Lord, the lover of my soul, everything seems ordered and ordained.  I see His thumbprint in my life.  And I know that this life, is the life he wants for me.  None other.

He is the one who gives me the strength to do what must be done, to make the most of my life and to embrace whatever comes my way.

It's my life.  And only I can live it.

9:: hot rod

I'm hoping that my daughter stays athletic and not too concerned about her looks.
I know I'm biased...but she only gets more gorgeous each year and in a few years, when boys start looking her way, I'll be quite happy if she is oblivious and just keeps on in her independant way.

The Hot Rods first game was rained out.  Hopefully Saturday, we'll get to play her first game!

8:: strong

Back in the day, you heard a lot about the "power suit." Do people still wear those? Or refer to them?

What do you wear when you want to feel strong, powerful, in control?

Or what do you wear when you don't feel those things, but need to be inspired?

This is what I put on.

A few weeks ago I was driving (hence the seat belt...I was stopped at a light) to Miss Rose's awards assembly. Did I mention that here? She received an award for being a good role model and outstanding effort in writing.

I had already taken Miss Rose and our neighbor to school. Dropped Gracie & Lily off.

Returned home to check email and do a few work related things before heading back to the school. I would be going to work afterward, to spend pretty much all day in meetings and planning sessions.

I am woman, I am a mom, I am a pastor. Hear me roar.

I am a runner. I had a great run the day before.

I felt strong.

This necklace, although the details are hard to make out, symbolizes strength to me.

It's actually my finishing medal from the 2007 Nike Women's Half Marathon in San Francisco. Gracie was just 6 months old when I completed it. I highly recommend the race. Because the "medal", it's Tiffany's. As in, little blue box Tiffany's. When you cross the finish line there are guys in tuxedos, with little blue boxes on silver platters. It's worth every mile! I love the tshirt I also received. It says FINISHER.

When I feel strong, I wear this necklace. It has a somewhat abstract design of two women running side by side.

I wear it because I am strong. Because I am a finisher. Because I'm worth it.

And, when I don't feel strong, I wear this necklace. Because I need the reminder. That I can be strong. That I am a finisher. To boost my confidence and give me inspiration.

Only one person can win a race. I doubt that I will ever "win" a race. I don't run to win. I run to finish. I run to feel the sense of accomplishment. I run to improve, just a little, on my last run. A few seconds faster, a mile further.

This isn't only true about running. It's true about life. My life. Your life.

I don't need to compete to win. I just need to finish. Each day, each task, each goal. To improve on yesterday. To go a bit further, to love more, to complain less. To feel that sense of accomplishment. To finish, you just run one mile at a time, take one day at a time. Sometimes, even one moment at a time. Putting one foot in front of the other.

I am a finisher.

7:: weekly wrap up

Today marks my seventh day not eating sugary treats.  That phrase sounds somewhat juvenile to me for some reason.  But it is what it is.

I'm proud of myself for the accomplishments this week.  It's a pretty big deal for me to have not grabbed a piece of candy from the office, a baked goodie from the store, or shared some ice cream with Bean at night.  I don't know if I've actually gone this long without such treats.  Certainly I've counted calories and points--but I typically save points for my favorite goodies in small portions.

This month is going to be good for me.  I need it.  However, it's going to be a long month.  It's become much easier to resist the sugar I eat without thinking during the course of the day.  It's harder though when it's dessert after dinner.  Or, "everyone else is having some."

In fact, I may have fallen off the wagon for a short time yesterday.  It was the end of a long (albeit good) day, we ate pizza with friends and there were divine cake leftovers from an event.  I had previously resisted temptation at the event, but I guess it caught up with me.  At least I only ate one piece I guess.  I've dusted myself off, and hopped back on the wagon.

Bean.  Well, he's another story.  Yes dear, I'm calling you out.  At the start of the week I asked for his support and accountability and even invited him to join me in trying to eat better.  The stinker has tried to get me to "cheat" every day!  Sometimes more than once.  He's had a sweet tooth and wants an accomplice.  He was holding a hand up to the wagon inviting me to jump off last night.  (still love you babe!)

Three more Sundays until I can have my Sunday morning donut.  Or maybe, I'll become more empowered and not choose a donut as part of my Sunday morning breakfast routine. 

Week 2, coming up.  My main goal this week was obviously--no sugary treats.  This next week I think I'm going to work on counting calories or points and eating more vegetables.  I love Weight Watchers while breastfeeding and losing weight, but for some reason once my babies are one, I don't enjoy it as much.  So I'm not sure what I'll do to track my food.  I always struggle figuring out how many calories to eat also---seems like every site says something different.  And I am still nursing 2-3x a day, so I still need some extra calories for that.

It's been interesting making a point to blog every day, or at least schedule a post.  Thankfully, there's always photos when in need!

5:: not gonna lie

Today has probably been the most difficult so far, this not eating sugary treats thing.  I could definitely use one or five right now.

The baby is teething, so she's ben clingy and fussy much of today.  She needs pain reliever, mama wants chocolate.

I powered through four errands today in about 90 minutes today, with the1yr old and 3yr old in tow.  It actually went pretty smoothly.  Especially after I found blessed Tylenol in the diaper bag for the teething baby.  No matter how well errands and children go, one is still tired.  And could use say a candy bar or even some dry fruit loops in celebration.

Getting dinner ready with cranky kids and a teething baby?  Sure helps to snack on some sweet treats while doing preparations.

But oh no, not for me, not this month.

Sigh. 

I keep telling myself just one after dinner treat won't hurt.  And realistically, it wouldn't.  On a day that I've eaten well (like today) and gotten in a little exercise even, a reasonable dessert is acceptable.  But the problem is, my typical pattern would have been to already have eaten several sugary treats (see scenarios above) and would still have one while relaxing before bed.  That's the cycle I'm trying to break. 

Maybe I should have made it "one dessert a day" month.  But no, I had to go the hard route, and say no desserts.  I know that's the better way though, to really rid myself of this bad habit.  For the most part, I'm doing it. 

Bean is a terrible accountability partner and in my early morning delirium yesterday got me to agree to a Starbucks drink he wanted to go get me before work.  The heavy dose of caffeine was what I wanted most, but the amount of sugar probably defined it as a treat.  But come on, how do you turn down the handsome face who wants to go get you a coffee at 6:30am in the morning?  You can't hurt the guy's feelings by turning down such a sweet gesture.

I just drank my second cup of Market Spice Tea and had some popcorn.  Hopefully I can get through the rest of the night without being too miserable.  I can always microwave an apple with some cinnamon.  Or I'll just go to bed early.

Not gonna lie, the next 26 days feel like they are going to be really long.

3:: Secret Weapon

One of my favorite movies is The Princess Bride.  Who doesn't have that on their top list?  So many great lines in that movie.

One of mine is "re-wease the secwet weapon."  Remember that one?  Really it's "release the secret weapon."  But it's so much more fun to think it in the original voice and pronunciation.

I have a secret diet weapon.  A secret weapon that helps so much when avoiding sugar and calories.

The best part?

It's natural.

It's sweet.

It's spicy.

It's calorie-free.

Intrigued?

Here it is.

Market Spice Tea.

Honestly, it's amazing.

It's a product from my childhood.
We lived in Washington state until age 9.  From the time I can remember, my mom always drank this sweet and spicy tea that we got to have occasionally.

When we moved to California, several times friends came to visit from Washington and brought some or mailed it to us.  One of my best friends in college was from Washington and she became my supplier! 
Even now, when her mom visits I often have her bring me a few boxes.
Then I discovered you can order it online.

When you have a cup of this tea, you will not believe that it's unsweetened.  It absolutely tastes like it contains sugar.  It tastes like the best sweet tea you've ever had--with a bit of spice.  I have made it into iced tea before, but usually I drink it hot.

I buy it in a bag of 50 teabags.  And I buy 100 teabags at a time.  With shipping it's about 60cents per cup.  A lot less than your favorite Starbucks drink, even if it's more than a cup of tea from your local grocery store.

Acouple things you need to know about this tea.

1.  Make sure you purchase the cinnamon-orange flavor.  The company actually sells many different varieties of tea.

2.  Store it in the original bag, in an airtight glass jar.  The tea contains a lot of natural oils that are required for flavor and will leech into any sort of plastic.

3.  You can buy a decaf variety.  I've found that sometimes the decaf doesn't have the same strength of flavor.  But if you use a bit less water, this can be remedied.  Once, I sent a box of decaf back without problem, because the flavor was so weak and they replaced it.

4.  You have to decide how strong you like the tea and figure out the right amount of water.  I find early on in my bag of tea, I can use pretty large mugs of water and have strong flavor.  After it's been open for a while, sometimes I have to use smaller mugs. 

5.  Use piping hot water!  And for the best results, put your tea in a travel mug with a lid or cover your mug with a small ceramic plate and let it steep for 5-7min.  This gives the strongest flavor.

I'm bummed I finished off my mug of tea while writing this.  I want more!!

I'm drinking two mugs a day right now!  It hits the spot.  Plus, very soon, we'll be into warmer weather that will last many months and for me hot weather and hot tea don't mix. 

Go right now and order some!

I was not compensated or sponsored for this post.  But if anyone wants to me review their item, contact me and I'd be happy to!

2:: Holding them close

Warning: it's a heavy topic tonight.

Last week a 17-yr old girl disappeared after going for a run at a well-known and travelled spot.  Thousands of volunteers have been searching for clues and a few days ago an arrest was made.  The city has been holding out hope that she would be found alive and safe.  Unfortunately this afternoon a body was discovered and although it has not been officially identified the Sheriff has said there is a strong liklihood that it's her body.

One year ago, a 14-yr old girl disappeared while walking to school and there are now suspicions that the same suspect could be involved.  Her body has not been found.

Several years ago a young girl disappeared from her home and was found to have been kidnapped and murdered by her neighbor.

When I was in high school, a girl from my youth group was murdered in her home by a neighbor.

I can't bear to follow closely, but every day or two, when I see mention of Layla Grace on Twitter, I check in. 

So much grief and sadness.

It's heavy, I know.  A topic perhaps we'd like to avoid and push to the back of our mind.

But tonight, it's close to my heart.  Because close to my heart I hold three daughters.  Three beautiful, precious girls.  Who are often the target of such heinous crimes.  Three girls who could easily get sick like Layla Grace and so many other little ones, like Allie, a sweet baby just 1 month older than Miss Rose, a story I followed closely.  (Allie's mom is awesome, BTW)

I never want to let my precious girls out of my sight right now.  Miss Rose has had the privilege of riding her bike around our short block on our own.  I can't handle that idea right now.  The crimes I listed above, they occurred in "good" neighborhoods, ones even a bit more upscale than my own. 

I rushed home from work tonight to get Miss Rose to T-ball practice.  On any other day I may have been a bit impatient to get home and get dinner started and our evening routines going.  I would have a mental list going of what needed to get done and what I wished I was doing.  Tonight, I gladly watched Miss Rose practice with Lily safely in the sling and Gracie next to me.  We walked over to the playground and the little girls got to swing.

I cherished every moment.  I chose to take advantage of the opportunity I had to play with my little girls and watch my big girl learn T-ball (she's already one of the better hitters and throwers!) 

Why wish I was dealing with the responsibilities of the home--when I could just play and drink in their sweetness.

I know I can't protect them from everything.  I know above all, I have to trust God for their well-being.  But for as long as I can, I'm going to hold them close and cherish the opportunities to play, because sometimes, it doesn't last forever.

1:: Weighing In

Yes, I am posting on this first day of my self-imposed March Madness.  I'm in Pacific Standard Time, so it's just 9:30pm here.

I am fairly certain that this March is going to make me mad, that is crazy, because there is so much going on.  Miss Rose is in T-ball.  There are two practices this week and then games start next week.  I think the standard will be one practice per week and games on Mondays and Saturdays.  Add that with me having rehearsals for our church Easter production on Mondays and Wednesdays, and then a few Saturdays at the end of the month.  Oh, and I have three kids, a husband and a job. 

What was I thinking?  Apparently, I wasn't.  Well, we'll get through it.  All of the obligations are good ones, it just means we have to have all of our ducks in a row each day.  Perhaps it's a good thing that we've downgraded our cable to save a little money.  We no longer can record shows and only have a few high-def channels.  It's been a week now, and honestly, I don't miss it much.  I'm behind on "my shows" and haven't seen the latest reality shows, but in the end, they really have no bearing on my life.  They are just entertainment. 

Oh, and my last "99 Things" post, apparently some of the changes I made didn't save.  I think I've corrected it now.  No, I do not have a child named Sam nor have I been to Paris.  I HAVE babysat for Jerry Lewis though, and I'll share about that later this week.

I've debated whether or not I wanted to track my weight this month, with giving up sugary treats and generally trying to eat healthier.  While weight is a good gauge and checkpoint, it can also be a roadblock.  Sometimes the scale doesn't move when you expect it too.  It's too easy for a "bad" number on the scale to set the tone for your day. 

I happen to be a little too in tune with my body.  I know when I gain and lose weight pretty easily.  I can tell by how I feel, the size of the rolls on my stomach, the tone of my legs, the fit of my clothes.  I kind of wish I wasn't so aware of those things.  Is it a female thing?  Are all women so aware of their bodies?

So I will not be weighing in.  This isn't about a number on the scale.  It's about my health and sugar not controlling me.  I may weigh myself in a few weeks, I may not.  We'll see.

How was my first day?  Not so bad.

I drank tea this morning instead of my coffee and creamer.  There may be some mornings I choose to use artificial sweetener and drink coffee, but I don't want to make it a standard.  In fact, my tea is my secret weapon.  More on that tomorrow.

Wouldn't you know there was a box of donuts at work this morning!  I don't remember the last time someone brought donuts in.  But I was strong and resisted.  Thanks in part to Twitter.  It's amazing what instant accountabilty it is.  You tweet about avoiding the donuts, a few encouraging tweets come back, and it helps keep you from backtracking to the breakroom for a sugary treat.

I definitely felt the lack of sugar in the early afternoon.  I could have laid on my office floor and fell asleep.  I'm a sucker for an after lunch treat.  In fact, I got a sandwich today for lunch, and a cookie came in the box--and I threw it away without a second glance.

It helped that tonight was a busy and I had to leave for rehearsal shortly after practice.  No huge temptations while cuddling on the couch with the hubs.  Another secret weapon--which I shall share tonight--is Medjool dates.  I happen to really like them--and naturally they are very sweet.  I have a large tub of them in the fridge and they do hit the spot when you need something sweet.  I had a few tonight after dinner.

With work and rehearsal, no exercise happened today.  I may try to Shred tomorrow after the kids are in bed. 

So, that's the first of my March Madness.

March Madness

That time of year is coming again, when college basketball teams duke it out for  a spot in the sweet sixteen, the final four and finally the NCAA championship.  Can you tell I'm married to a sports fanatic?  Last year I learned there are names for the 64  & the 32, but I can't remember them right now.  THIS is March Madness.  A term I think I only learned or at least was able to define after marriage.

For no other reason than it's March, and I'm going to make some maddening alterations to my life--I've decided to do my own version of March Madness here at Our Three Bean Circus.  Do you think it's catchy?  Well, I kind of do.  And it's my blog so that's all that matters!

What is my version of March Madness?  Here's the skinny.

1.  Cut back majorly on processed foods and sugar.  Especially sugar.  No treats, desserts or snacks of the processed sugary variety.

2.  Exercise more regularly

3.  Blog daily (or at least schedule blogs!)

4.  Focus on enjoying the moment, finding joy and rejoicing in each day.

Here's the full scoop.

I've been talking about my food issues recently.  Sugar plays a huge role in that.  I'm very sensitive to what I eat.  Unfortunately it's a genetic thing.  I feel so much better when I eat well.  And I don't really know how to practice moderation.

Which is exactly why I've said majorly.  I don't want to set myself up for failure, so 100% is not my goal.  And while I do want to make this more of a lifestyle change, I want to find balance and moderation. 

Exercise...that goes along with feeling good.  Although I do get a couple exercise sessions in each week, I could do more.  I often make excuses about being tired or just done with the day.  Which is often true, but in reality I could eek out a few miles or do a short video.  I know Shredding at 7:30pm, once the kids are in bed, can make a big different in how I feel.  I'm trying to add some free weights, ab work and maybe some leg work to my evenings when the TV is on.

Blog daily.  I want the accountability.  I want to chronicle daily life more closely for a month.  I want to write more of what I think.  Sometimes I wish posts would write themselves!

Enjoy the moment.  I think if I was present in more moments in my life, life wouldn't catch up with me so quickly.  Sometimes I look too much at the big picture.  I focus on what I'm missing by not being home with the girls each day.  I focus on the clutter, the unfinished decorating, the "projects."  If I were present I would laugh with my girls, I would get on the floor and play more, I would see more of what God is doing.

This, is my own March Madness. 

If you'd like, you're welcome to steal the idea.  What do you need to get maddening about?
*I do realize I'm not using that term in quite the right way, but it's artistic license, okay?

still figuring it out

I'm not sure I'll ever understand myself.  I guess if I did, life would be boring and predictable.  But I wouldn't mind a little better grasp of the things that make me tick.

Those of you who are regular readers, may think that I'm a health and exercise nut.  In some ways, I am.  I have great intentions and have had great results at times.

And yes, my little rants about food and exercise are probably becoming a bit tiresom to ya'll.  But it's where I'm at these days.


Through Weight Watchers and running I've lost a lot of weight after each pregnancy.  I've completed three half-marathons and a few 10k's.  I did the 30-Day Shred for 28 or 29 of 30 days almost a year ago.

But, as I've been sharing here, I still have food issues, and I'm finding it hard to stay consistent with exercise for various reasons.  Of course I'm great at sharing my successes, which easily lead one to believe I'm always successful.  But I'm not.

Why is it that I can be so motivated and so sucessful at certain points in my life, and fail miserably at others.  I'm doing a little better with getting out to run, but failing miserably at the eating.  I know what I should be eating.  I know I'm snacking too much, eating too many desserts and just generally indulging.

The waistbands of my pants are a little tighter than I would like them to be, and my muffin top and jelly roll are in full effect.  I feel SO much better about life when I feel good about myself.  Perhaps it shouldn't effect me in the way that it does, but it does.  I saw some photos of myself from last weekend that I was not thrilled with.  Not only do I need to find a miraculous eye cream and new easy ways to do my hair (instead of the basic ponytail), I was a little more round in all the wrong places.

I could go on a strict diet, and cut out all the junk.  Of course, that works.  But for me, that's not a long-term way of life.  I want to eat well the majority of the time, but I want to be able to enjoy the occassional treat or indulgent meal out.  I need to find that balance. 

Let's not talk about the guilt I feel for the lack of veggies in my children's diets.  On a good day, Miss Rose has 2-3 servings of fruit/veggies and Gracie has 1.  Gracie is still in that picky phase with food and if she doesn't want to eat it, you can't make her eat it.  We were relying on fruit leathers, which have no added sugar, for her fruit, but it was becoming a crutch.  So we've stopped buying them until she increases her fresh food intake.

I know, I just need to crack down and do it.  I need to create a plan and stick to it.  I need to find the exercise DVD's I can do early in the morning that won't wake my family.  I need to make an eating plan for the week and do it.  I have 23583497 calorie/food tracking app's on my iPhone.  I've been a part of several different online message boards for accountability in this area over the years.  I have the tools.

In my head, I'm working towards March.  I want to do my own version of March Madness...and cut out most processed sugar in my diet.  I think that would make a huge difference. 

In January our church did a 7-day Daniel Fast.  It was a great experience, both spiritually and physically.  I honestly wasn't hungry during the week.  Sure, I wanted junk foods at times, but by the end of the week, not having them wasn't a huge deal.  The Daniel Fast focuses on fresh, unprocessed foods and no meat or dairy.  I ate plenty of nuts, oatmeal, veggie chili and soup, fruit and vegetables, popcorn and herbal tea.  In my opinion, with the addition of some lean protein and low-fat dairy, it's a great way to eat all of the time.  Or most of the time. 

So I know, from that recent experience, if I cut this stuff from my diet, I will stop wanting it and looking for it.

I just need to find that stinking motivation and willpower.  Add that to some discipline and consistency and I'll be feeling much better about myself and my life.

overheard

Overheard in my bed this morning, as all three girls were having some mommy time.

For no known reason, this exchange occurs:

Miss Rose: Gracie, can you say"rectangular prism?"


Gracie: Can you smell my foot? (while sticking said foot in her sister's face)

It still makes me laugh out loud!  I love being a mom and I live for these moments.

Sometimes the funny exchanges have some sort of reasoning behind the content.  Not this one though.  Just pure kid exchange!

A little update on my current journey...

I've been enjoying me some yummy food.  For the most part I haven't over-indulged, but definately not refusing either.  My aim is for balance, not going without or going with too much.  For me, this is about a lifetime, not just a diet that will end.  I'm sure after Valentine's Day passes, I'll get back on track a bit more.  Or maybe not, as Bean's birthday is coming up as well.  Well, I'll have a few days with no excuses!

I have been able to get in some runs and workouts this week.  I could have used one or two more, but the few I got are better than none!  I've been trying to do some ab work and arm work on a daily basis.  I feel a bit sore in those areas, so I guess it's doing something.

I had one of my best runs in a long time today.  I have really been focusing on making myself run faster.  Running with the Nike+, on my known route is a big help.  I know generally where my mile markers are and the Nike+ will tell me at any time what pace I'm running.  For a few months now, I've been running sub-10 minute miles on my shorter runs. 

Today, my goal was a 45min run of all sub-10 minute miles.  It took me almost 2 miles to find my groove, which is longer than normal.  But I finally found it and just kept pushing myself.  The more I push myself, I find that my "set speed" is getting faster.  When I push, I can run at an 8:30min mile pace.

The verdict?  4.8 miles in 45 minutes.  Blew 10 minutes out of the water!!  If I remember correctly, that put my average pace around 9:25 per minute.  I'm really having to push, and a lot of the time I feel like a lumbering elephant, completely ungraceful. 

My new goal?  5 miles in 45 minutes.  That would be a flat 9 minute mile.  I think I can do it.

on my mind

I am so thrilled to NOT have to take Miss Rose to school in the morning.  Yay for Friday holidays.  I'm looking forward to a great long weekend full of friends and family time.

Am I the only woman who experiences "phantom pregnancies" on a regular basis?  There are absolutely no biological signs to indicate I am pregnant.  In fact, much the opposite.  But, after getting pregnant unexpectedly AND having one cycle at the beginning of said pregnancy (before I knew I was pregnant), my brain is always on overdrive.   Nausea, fatigue, bloating, frequent urination.  All freak me out.  I really hope the further away I get from having been pregnant, these phantom pregnancies will go away.   Because like clockwork, I have proof I'm not.  But there was that one time I was like clockwork...and I was pregnant...  That is what messes me up.

I'm thinking about declaring March a no-sugar month.  That may be the next step in my journey.  To avoid processed sugar.  There are no major holidays in March, and only one family birthday.  I think I might be able to handle it.  After trying some clothes on in Target tonight, I'm more motivated to get rid of this "baby belly" I have.

I want to find a half marathon to register for in May or June.  I need that challenge and motivation to keep running regularly.

Why have I not been successful in teaching my almost 3yr old to go to the bathroom on her own and wipe herself.  Every time I have to take her. Often she refuses to pull her own underpants down.  Since she wears a dress every day I have to tuck in her collar so it doesn't go into the toilet.  I don't remember a big ordeal teaching Miss Rose to use the bathroom independantly.  She's almost three, isn't it time?

After looking at some images online, I'm pretty sure Lily has a slight case of oral thrush.  My babies have never had that before.  Now I'm going to have to look up what to do about it.  I wonder what caused it.

When I am going to stop wanting another baby?  Is that just part of being a woman?  Within a few months, our baby-making days will be over, unless God drastically intervenes.  Which he can do.  Which is why I'm okay with this decision.  I know three children is good for us, our home, our life.  It makes sense to stop now.  I also know, that if for some reason God does desire us to have another child, he'll bring it about one way or another.  Many are the plans in a man's heart, but the Lord's purposes prevail.  I just want that desire to go away!  I'm happy and content and fulfilled with my family.  Yet I get newborn envy, and belly envy.

I still haven't started recording anything in Lily's baby book.  I really need to get on that.

It's past 11pm.  Why am I not tired?  Maybe it's the 3+ cups of coffee I had today.  Although the last one was 10 hours ago.

I need to try to go to sleep.

**an update**
I'm still not sleeping.  And forgot one other thing on my mind.

I really hope Lily decides to crawl or at least scoot in the next 2 weeks.  Her "1 yr" appointment is March 1.  But she'll really be 13 months.  As of now, she still doesn't crawl.  I honestly don't observe any reason for concern.  Her movement development is on track, just several months behind.  She scoots around a bit on her rear end now.  She tries to get moving with one leg behind her and almost rocking up onto the front leg.  Part of the problem is she still hates her belly.  I try to put her on it, but she just screams, until I pick her up or her highness decides to roll over.  The only cause for concern is that she isn't crawling.  Everything else about her seems normal.  I hope my gut instinct is correct.

on activity, exercise & fitness, part 2

When Miss Rose was around a year old, my sister started jogging at a nearby lake (not a true lake...man-made).  The paved path does not circle the entire lake, but you can do a total of 6+ miles if you go to the end and back.  My sister talked me into coming with her one afternoon.

At that point I had a great dislike of running.  I used to always say it was my least favorite form of exercise.  Rollerblading and the elliptical were my workouts of choice.  Running just wasn't smooth.  I had very curly hair in junior high and high school and guys used to love to tease me for how it bounced when I ran.

But I decided to give it a try, for my sister's sake.  I remember that first run well.  I told her I didn't know how far I'd make it before I had to start walking.  I would guess that we were jogging at a 11-12 minute pace, which is on the slower side.  I completely shocked myself, and was able to run an entire mile before I needed to walk.

It was exhilarating.  Much further and longer than I anticipated.  And it felt good.  It was challenging, and I like a challenge.  If I could do one mile, surely it wouldn't be hard to work up to two or three.  So I started running more, and so did Bean.  Often my mom would come with us and walk with Miss Rose in the stroller while we ran.  Then I got a jogging stroller.

And like that, an addict was born.  Running is now my happy place.  It's something I do just for me.  There is nothing like the achievement of running x miles in a day or a week or a month.  I am the only one who can run for me.  I also loved that it was an exercise I could do with my children. I didn't have to find childcare or pay for a gym membership.  In my city, we have running weather about 80% of the year.  A good double jogger was my most important purchase after the birth of Gracie.  (craigslist of course!)

Running helped me drop several more pounds below my pre-pregnancy weight with Miss Rose.  I ran my first half marathon.   I ran up until 32 weeks of pregnancy with Gracie.  Even with a c-section, I was back to walking at 4 weeks post-partum and starting jogging and walking by 6 wks post-partum.  Again, running helped me lose more weight than I gained.  I ran my second half marathon when Gracie was 6 months old.

I ran until 35 weeks with Lily (and delivered her at 37 weeks).  Starting up again, not so easy with three kids.  I had great intentions.  Miss Rose was in school 5 mornings a week.  We now lived in a neighborhood I could run in.  But finding the time, energy and motivation to run while raising three small children and working has been challenging. 

In the last year I've probably averaged 2 runs a week.  Which isn't terrible, but isn't great either.  I've found myself in cyles where I'm frustrated, and even slightly depressed at my lack of exercise, which instead of spurring me to make time to exercise, only makes me more lethargic.  It's a place I never imagined myself after 3 years of running through pregnancies and life.  (I did run another half marathon when Lily was 8 months old).

Bean understands my need to run and is very supportive.  He encourages me to get out and run.  I deal with guilt on workdays.  I want to be with the kids instead of run.  But there is no doubt that even 30 minutes of running benefits me which in turn benefits the kids, far more than a endorphin-deprived mom who spends 30 more minutes with them that day.

I also crave long runs (right now, long for me is more than 4 miles).  So if I only have 30 minutes to run, I'll skip it, because it doesn't meet my desire.  Now after a year of this up and down relationship with running, I'm starting to get back into a groove.  It's helped that Bean has been making running more of a priority himself.  So we encourage and support one another.  We figure out how to make sure each other gets runs in.

I've been pushing myself more, especially during those 30 minute runs.  I've been at a 10-10:30min pace for a few years now.  The last two months I've been pushing harder and I've finally broken that magical (for me) 10minute pace.  I can run 3 miles in less than 30min now.  In fact, on Sunday before the Super Bowl I ran 3 miles in 26:20 and continued on for a total of 3.45miles in 30min.  A new personal best for me.

It's been a journey, but a love of fitness has grown in me.  I feel better physically, I'm more self-confident when I'm running.  I sleep better and don't have as much stress and anxiety.  I still need to continue to make it a priority.

In some ways, exercise is the easy part.  That's probably why I don't gain weight, even with some of my poor eating habits.  For me though, that's not enough.  I want to be a fit person.  I want to have healthy eating habits.  I need the best of both worlds.

on activity, exercise & fitness, part 1

One of the reasons I wish I lived in the farm days (a la Little House on the Prairie or all the Amish novels I love to read) because their everyday lives required so much activity that they ate great food--lots of baked goods, fried food, multiple course meals.  I'm sure there were still weight issues, but for the most part I'd guess farming all day and keeping up with the house in the way they had to, they burned plenty o calories.

Unfortuately, my job is a desk job.  When I'm at home, the lure of the couch is great with the laptop in hand, TV in front of me.  I have a car to drive places, instead of walking.  I have machines and gadgets to complete household chores and tasks (although we DON'T have a dishwasher, unless you count the cute mexican man often found in my kitchen) that used to be done by hand.

Unless we eat like birds, or have speedy metabolism, getting daily activity is necessary to maintain weight and any level of fitness.  Daily life is not the same as it was on the farm.

As a kid, I was very active.  I spent a lot of time playing outside with my brother who was just 18 months younger than me.  I would make a deal with him that if we played dolls for a little bit, then I'd play outside with him.  Usually, he agreed.  We didn't have a TV until I was about 10.  The outdoors was our favorite place.

When I hit junior high and puberty hit me, things started to change a bit.  I still remember being pretty active, but in 8th grade my school schedule really jacked me up.  My "lunch" was before 11am.  So by the time I got home around 2 or 3, I was pretty famished and often ate a second lunch or large snack.  That is when I remember starting to look "fluffy" instead of slim.  That stuck with me for many years.  As I entered high school, my activity level did decrease.  I was interested in sports, but we didn't have the money for organized sports and I changed schools every few years so it was something I didn't really pursue. 

My junior year of college I took a P.E. course that started to change my body.  We met a few times a week and were required to exercise a few times in addition to our classes.  There was something about the instructor, the fact that it was all girls, and there were just a few of us, that I found myself enjoying exercise and pushing myself more than I had in the past.  That began my ongoing relationship with regular exercise.  I got healthier, and over the course of a few years, I think I dropped a size or two.  I didn't track my weight very regularly but I can look back at photos and see the change.

It also helped during my senior year of college when I lived in an apartment with a kitchen and no longer had to eat in the school cafeteria!  Unlimited ice cream, cereal and bagels are not good for the waistline. 

Exercise became a more regular part of my life.  I wasn't always consistent with it, based on my schedule and motivation level, but I knew the importance of it.  In my opinion, I have a body that responds very well to exercise.  In fact, unless I have large amounts of weight to lose (like after pregnancy) I almost need to exercise in addition to eating right to see change in my body.

Tomorrow...my current relationship with exercise.