So, I have issues with food. Huge issues, perhaps not. But issues nonetheless. I love food. I don't usually binge eat. I just eat too many small amounts of food. Yes, I'm one who goes back to the cupboard for another cookie, then another and a while later, another. After I already ate two servings in the first place.
Food issues certainly seem to run in families. At least they do in mine. My mom struggled with her weight a lot of her life. However, the older she got, the slimmer she got. Now at almost 60, she's pretty slim. We've thought that maybe hormones play a part in it. My dad also struggled with weight from his 30's. In fact, his struggle was a huge contributer to having a stroke at 47 and now being a hemi-plegic.
Emotional eating is huge in my family. So is late night eating. I think late night was when my dad consumed most of his calories. Eating for comfort, oh yes. A rough day? Kids misbehaving? I just want sugar. And carbs. And Diet Coke. No calories there, but not good for me nonetheless.
From puberty on, I wasn't fat, but I wasn't slim either. I changed schools a lot, so I never got involved in sports. I was plump I suppose. I wasn't too self-conscious about it. A few times I remember "dieting" and losing a few pounds, but nothing significant. When I look back at photos of my high school and college years, I don't remember feeling as chubby as I looked.
Over the past 10 years or so, I've learned a lot about my body and about eating. It actually took having my first baby to lose a significant amount of weight (much of which I gained while pregnant!) and go below (*gasp, I'm going to say it) 150 and stay there. Love Weight Watchers, the way. I was not the norm, and I was at a personal low at the start of my next two pregnancies, gained less and less with each and lost it all plus a few.
I'm very happy with what I've learned. I'm proud of myself, because it's a lot of work. I appreciate the encouragement when people comment that I don't look like I've had three children (um, if they saw my stomach--they'd know!). I am confident I have the right tools to continue on this path and lead a healthy life.
But...I still have food issues. I eat for comfort. I like eating in the evening after dinner. I go back again and again. I am addicted to sugar. And because of my family history, because I am raising three daughters, I need to continue my journey. I am not pleased that I constantly go up and down 5 pounds. And it's completely tied to my eating. Because it usually happens within a few weeks, when I've been eating poorly and too much.
I've been at my pre-pregnancy weight with Lily, but I keep going back up a few. And in fact, my goal has been to hit a bit lower than that weight. Because I got pregnant when Gracie was just a year old, losing the additional weight was postponed. I certainly don't want to be a twig, but I do want to be slim and toned.
I'm tired of fighting with food. I'm tired of fighting with myself. I want to win this battle once and for all. I want to enjoy food for the nourishment it brings, and yes for the flavors and even the sugar rush. But in a balanced manner. It's so crucial to me to set a good example for my daughters. Miss Rose loves sugar just like I do, and although proportional, she's always been big for her age. I want to set her up well to have a healthy relationship with food.
When it comes to our outward appearance, one of the few things we have control of is our body. (I do realize there are medical issues that sometimes take away this control.) Every girl wants good self-esteem. Yes, the inward is much more important than the outward. But often the two are related. That is a whole other subject though.
I want to like myself. To feel confident. There are some things I can't control, like the size of my nose, the texture of my hair, the ways motherhood has affected those pregnancy and mothering parts of my body. But I can control the shape of my muscles, my weight, and the tone of my body. No, it's not about a number or a size. But those are helpful measurements.
Do you get the feeling I'm working up to something? You're right, I am. I'm going to challenge myself to make some changes. Do you need to do the same thing? Perhaps we can do it together. Or, I'm perfectly happy with you reading along as I journey.
Tomorrow, my relationship with physical activity.
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