the best I can do?

How often do you find yourself thinking, or saying "I'm doing the best I can."

I am pretty sure I both say and think it quite a bit.  Sometimes, it's quite true.

Often I think its how we give ourselves permission to not achieve perfection.  We know perfection is impossible, yet we still want it, or at least the appearance of it.

Other times, we use that phrase as a cop-out, an excuse.  If we say "I'm doing the best I can" no one can really fault us.  They feel pressured to accept it as truth, because "the best I can" is relative, it's not objective.

No one else can tell you what the best you can do is.  They may try, but usually they just say "ok" and leave it at that.

Has anyone ever challenged you though, and said "I think you can do better?"  I don't think anyone has ever challenged me in that way.  It would be difficult to hear, but I'd like to think I'd take inventory and truly investigate if I was doing the best I could.

I'm in the process of reading and teaching the book The Me I Want to Be by John Ortberg, and that's exactly what his wife told him.  She approached him with several things she wasn't happy with and he said "I'm doing the best I can" and she said "no, you're not.  You're not living up to what you teach and preach or what you've done in the past."  That incident was one of the factors that lead to the journey which turned into this book.

It really has caused me to stop and think.  I believe I've been accepting too much mediocrity in my life.  Mediocrity that I'm to blame for.  I let things go in the house.  I don't keep up with various cleaning and organizing tasks.  Yes it's true that I'm tired, that I'm busy, that I'm a working mom of young children, that I need to take care of myself.

But truly, these things I leave undone for far too long, take probably a maximum of twenty minutes to complete.  Easily done.  But discipline and a plan is required.

In some respects, I'm NOT doing the best I can, even though I try to pretend I am.  And it's not about perfection or getting things done.  A lot of times, I just forget what needs to be done when I have the time to do it, until it's too late and I'm too tired.  The bottom line is I feel better about myself and better about life in general when I am on top of these basic tasks.

This last week and weekend were pretty out of control.  The little girls were sick and I was trying to get work stuff accomplished from home. Then I taught a class all day Friday and most of Saturday.  When I got home on Saturday we drove 90 miles to one of my best friends baby showers.  Sunday was a busy day at church and I officiated a memorial service in the afternoon and didn't get home until 3:30pm.

I had every reason to sit around on Monday and relax.  But so many areas of my home needed attention. And we were all home and it was a warm, beautiful day.  In actually started on Sunday when I cleaned the kitchen and dining room floors.  Monday I went to work cleaning, purging and organizing in the girls' rooms.  I de-cluttered other parts of the house.  It pretty much took all day, between stops to play with the kids, attend to them, and take care of life as well.

It felt good.  It energized me.  And when I walk into the bedrooms, it's like a breath of fresh air now.  I can say on Monday, I truly did the best I could.

This morning, I got up at 5:15am so that I could run.  Bean had to leave at 6am and I'm needed to be back in the house by then.  Yes, it was early.  But I haven't been running enough and I've been more on edge and tense.  So running early, was my best.

I have a list of forms I'm going to print from Monday Saving Mom and Simple Mom to help me organize.  I love lists and organization, routines and plans. But I've been slacking big time.  It's time to step it up.  I'm going to find what works for me.  I want to do truly do the best I can do.  I don't want to settle for mediocrity any longer.

I'll still have days I slack.  We'll still spend days in our jammies.  But I want to have earned those days.

I want to know I'm truly doing the best I can.  Because I know I'll be happier when I am.

What do you think?  Do you use this as a cop-out sometimes?  Are there any downloads, forms, schedules etc that you find helpful?

frazzled & fragmented [running through my head]

It's been too long since I blogged.  I miss this space when I don't get to visit.  Life feels fragmented right now, and I'm frazzled.

When I got home from work today, the security screen was unlocked and the front door was wide open.  At first I was freaked out and entered the house calling "hello" waiting for the boogieman to pop out.  Sure I had a baby on my hip, but I have strong legs and I could have kicked him and defended my children.  My mom said there were no contractors here today.  The best explanation is that I was concerned about getting the kids to the car through the rain, planned to come back and lock the house, but promptly forgot.  Major FAIL.

We have too much furniture.  The addition of a Christmas tree is suffocating me.  Our last house was the largest living space we'd had and we bought a couch and love seat, in addition to the comfy chair and love seat we already had.  It was perfect for that space (dual living rooms).  But now our home is smaller, and we own it.  The chair has a home with my sister currently.  And we have one too many love seats. 

Bean mentioned the idea of selling the set, and getting a couch to match the original love seat we've had.  It is our favorite.  In the meantime, we may need to move a couch to the garage before I go crazy.  Yes, those things can make me go crazy.  Even though next week we will take the tree down, and bring the couch back in.

I am not ready mentally for Christmas.  I've done all the major shopping, with the exception of one item for Lily and stocking stuffers.  But things have been so fragmented with moving out last week, being home now, but still not settled.  We've still barely been home.  I have yet to wash laundry from last week.  The rain doesn't help because we have to go outside to wash clothes.  We don't wash them outside.  That's how we get to the garage.

I want to bake.  I want to fill my home with yummy smells.  I want to bring goodies to my neighbors and my co-workers.  I need to watch White Christmas.  I have more Christmas cards to send out.

Tomorrow is my last day in the office for a week and a half.  Which is good.  As a pastor though, rarely can you fully disconnect.  Hopefully I can get enough done tomorrow that I will be able to mostly disconnect.

I'm working on not coveting this holiday season.  Bean and I aren't really doing gifts for each other this year.  Our gift is the house.  There were a few items that we weren't able to stay within the budget on (because you can't really find an entry door for $100) and if the contingency money written into the contract runs out, we'll need to pay the difference.  If not, there are many things we need for the house.  Well, things we want, but things that will help make this a home to be proud of, a complete home.

There are plenty of things I want.  Plenty of things that people around me seem to have or be getting.  But nothing that I need.  I want to be content.  I want to be thankful for what we have and that we are staying the course to pay off debt and stay within our budget.  But I will tell you, coveting is very difficult to suppress. 

Although I struggle wanting the ideal Christmas (decor, baking, gift-giving, Advent, Jesse Tree, discussions with my children), I'm thankful that this year the main focus is on family togetherness.  There is simplicity.  There isn't much distraction.  Kind of like the night the Savior was born.  Simplicity out of necessity. 

I have rambled enough for one night. 

Hopefully I'll remember to lock the house tomorrow.

the mom I am

Thank you so much for your supportive and encouraging comments on my last post.  Unfortunately moms are one of the most competitive communities.  Which is such a shame because each mom is different, each child is different, each life is different and you can't really compare how this all plays out.

So today, I want to toot my own horn.  Because we worry about offending others, because we don't want to brag, because we don't want to sound stuck up or snobby, we don't give ourselves enough credit for the mom we are.  I'm not saying I'm better than anyone else.  I'm not looking down on anyone who's made different choices in their life.  We are each unique and individual.  That's okay, and it's good.

This, is the mom I am.

I am a working mom, who managed to bring my babies to work with me until they were 6 months old.

I pumped the life out of my boobs, in order to provide my children with that precious liquid gold, until they were one year old.  A drop of formula never crossed their lips.  (although I chose to supplement with a little bit of organic whole milk the last few months before they turned 1, when my supply started to dwindle)

I wear my babies, and my toddlers.

I rear-face my children until they are close to two years old.  (well, not my first daughter, but I didn't really know better at that time)

I insist on some form of protein at almost every meal.

I co-slept with my babies, even though I thought I never would. Everyone got more sleep that way, and I cherish those memories of their tiny bodies nestled in as close as possible to my body.

I let my children eat their share of candy and treats, and they even drink Sprite at restaurants.  (in their eyes, this makes me very cool)

My sick children sleep in bed with me, even though the idea of sleeping in their infectious germs gives me the creeps.  (so far, I rarely get their illnesses)

I ignore housework, a lot, so that I can cuddle on the couch with my kids.

I let them lick the spoon, and the beaters, and wipe the bowl clean when we bake.

I put them to bed on time 75% of the time, because everyone is happier that way

We listen to a lot of worship music in the car and the house.  We also listen to the radio and fun dance music.

I burp and fart.  Hey, girls need to do know it's okay to do that stuff too.  Although there are times we emphasize manners too.

I bring the older girls to church with me sometimes, at 7:30am on Sundays, even though they wreak havoc in my office and run through the hallways screaming (you think I jest, I don't, they really do).  Because how often does a mom get to bring her kids to work with her.

I wake up early (sometimes) to exercise, so that I don't have to miss precious time with them later in the day.

When I get home from work, I gather my children to me, like a mother hen gathering her chicks, and we soak each other in.

This, and more, is the mom I am.  The mom I am proud to be.

Your turn now.  Toot your horn in the comments!  What makes you stand out as a mom?  What are you proud of?  Nothing is off limits!

the mom I'm not

I have quite a long list of blogs that come into my Google Reader.  This gives me great reading material as I unwind before bed.  I rarely read every post in every blog.  I love finding a blog where I have something in common with the author, maybe they are also a runner, or they have all daughters, or another working mom.  Sometimes I have nothing in common with them, but I enjoy their writing style or their take on life, or their life journey is fascinating. 

Sometimes though while reading blogs, I'm overwhelmed by the mom I'm not.  The mom I wish I was. 

I am not the mom who is doing anything related to Advent with her children.  I wish I was.  There are so many wonderful and easy ideas out there.  But finding the time to put it together, and having an opportunity each day to do it with the children--just isn't something I have the energy for.

I am not crafty.  I don't often do crafts with my children.  I don't do a good job decorating our home.  I see things I like.  I read blogs with great do-it-yourself ideas.  But I'm not a crafty mom.

I rarely get to volunteer at my daughter's school.

I have spent very little time teaching my almost 4-year old letters and numbers.

I laugh at my kids when I should probably discipline them.  I yell when I should be patient.  I don't follow through with consequences.

These, and so much more, are the mom I'm not.  It's easy to be disappointed in myself. To think I should try harder, do more.  Make more an effort.  Be more selfless. 

Yet, I can't be defined by the mom I'm not.  By the mom I think I should be. 

Because I am a mom who is helping provide a good future for my children.  And working is a huge dynamic in my mothering.  My heart is to be home with my children.  I believe one day, that will happen.  But for now, I believe I'm doing what God wants me to do.  My parents never owned a home.  We usually had cars that broke down all the time.  My parents weren't able to contribute to my college education.  I love my parents dearly and I loved my life.  But I have the opportunity right now, to set my family up differently and I don't want to waste it.

I am a mom who loves my children deeply.  My favorite thing is to be with them.  They are my priority.  Yes, I take time for myself; I run, go out for girls nights, rare date nights with my husband.  But these things make me a better mom, and I try to do them in such a way that has the least impact on my kids and my time with them.

I may not be crafty or good at imaginative play, but I will sit on the floor and let my kids crawl all over me.  When the baby is crying, I'll hold her.  When Gracie is grumpy, I cuddle her.  When Miss Rose is exhibiting bad behavior, I'll first shower her with love and affection, because often that solves the problem.

I just love being a mom, being with my kids.  The mom I'm not, doesn't define me.  The mom I'm not, doesn't matter as much as sometimes I think it is.  That's not the mom God made me. 

Someday, I hope I have the time and energy to learn to be more crafty.  As my children get older, we'll get to do more things like celebrating Advent and nightly Bible reading.  I have to remind myself, they are young.  There is time.

My kids don't know the mom I'm not.  They just know the mom I am, and I know they love me.

which way is up?

I am so incredibly disoriented in life, it's quite pitiful.

I love my routines and patterns.  My kids thrive on them as well.  Our life is never wrapped up in a box with a nice bow on it--but 50-75% of the time, things go as planned.  Some semblance of routine is required to keep us on track with the demands of a working mom, a first grader, two little girls and the rest of life.

All that has been thrown out of the window in the last several days.  Some was expected, some was not.

Last week, Bean got the opportunity to work some hours at his former part-time job at the church.  It's short-term, but you can always use extra money, right?  Especially this time of year.  Especially when I unexplicabely broke a tooth last week and now have a temporary crown and will go back next week for the permanent one.  Which will necessitate getting a new custom-molded mouth guard which prevents me from clenching my teeth at night, most likely a stress/tension related habit.  But I have TMJ and am prone to headaches, so this mouth guard is a must for me.  And it's super sexy when I talk with a lisp at night to Bean.  Just ask him.

Anyhow, this means that Bean worked 5-6 hours on Thursday, Friday and Saturday evenings.  In the midst of holiday extravaganzas and other such busyness, which I navigated on my own so that he could work.  That was the unexpected, for which we are thankful though.

The expected was moving out of our house last night, for a week.  The fact that it was expected, didn't make it any easier.  So much couldn't be done until the day of or the night of.  It was pointless to do much to prepare, which of course made me freak out in my head the last few weeks.

At 4:30pm last night, it began.  I packed for myself and the kids.  Clothes, toiletries, anything we might need.  We got dinner, and bathed all the kids early.  Headed over to his mom's apartment, where the kids proceeded to bounce off the walls for about thirty minutes, before we put them to bed.  His mom likes to keep her house quite warm.  We were broiling. The kids ended up sleeping in their underwear.  We are having an odd heat wave right now.  But still.  It was hot.  And she was wearing a sweatshirt.

Bean and I then returned to the house to gather the rest of what we needed.  We also had to clear the floor, tub and vanity of the hall bathroom.  We moved furniture away from windows (which are all being replaced). We had to clear off every surface in the kitchen (new granite countertops, whoo-hoo!).  Technically since there is lead abatement involved, we aren't supposed to return to the house until it's cleared.  However Bean was trying to convince me that it would be easier for him to return after work hours each night, to get what we needed for the next day.  He's a raging lunatic sometimes.

Last night, Miss Rose & Gracie slept on a queen Aero Bed, I slept (kind of) on a twin bed and Lily was in a pack-n-play.  Bean slept on the couch.  None of us slept well.  Miss Rose said she woke up every time she moved because the Aero bed was noisy.  Lily woke at one point and was crying, so I brought her into bed with me for a bit.

It's just odd.  Everything is out of sorts right now.  And like the title says today, I have no idea which way is up, what time it is or what day it is today.  The normal organized chaos of my life has become very unorganized chaos. 

We are so thankful to my mother-in-law for opening her home to us, for Bean's grandma moving out for the week to give us a bedroom to spread our stuff out.  The other option was staying in a residence hotel in a less than satisfactory part of town.  This is much, much better.

Hopefully, the novelty has worn off and everyone will be good and tired tonight, and sleep well.  The chaos continues though, because we have a holiday dinner to attend.  Miss Rose will stay with Grammie so she can go to bed on time.  The little girls will go to the home of a co-worker for the evening.  Since Grammie watched the kids all day while I'm working, we didn't want to stick her with them all again tonight.

*Sigh*  If you see me, in person, or in the interwebs, please show me which way is up.

I may not find it again until Sunday or Monday.

{but, I am doing my best to still choose joy because it's all for a reason, for a purpose and we will return to an upgraded house, for which we've barely had pay anything}

balance part 2: sometimes, you gotta do nothing

This is Part 2 in a brief series I'm blogging on finding balance in your life.  Check out Part 1 here.  I said I would post the next part the rest day.  But I lied.  Or actually, life just got in the way.  But nonetheless, here's more.  There is at least one more post to come, maybe two.  I'm verbose.

Remember the pie of each day?  Every day how you spend your time is going to vary.  Your priorities are going to change with the needs of your family and the demands of life.

Guess what?

You can ALWAYS be doing something.  You know.  You've been there.  You collapse onto the couch after you get the kids down for a nap, or down for the night.  Staring you in the face is the laundry yet to be put away, the dishes piled in the sink, the empty lunch bag that needs to be filled for the morning.  There is always something to do.  That something sometimes is fun or entertaining.  But it's still something.

But, you can always be doing NOTHING.  The few moments to check your email or bank balance turns into two hours on Facebook and blog-hopping.  (of course I've never done that, just heard it can happen)  The housework and household management piles up.

Balance is know what to do, when to do it and when to not do anything.

Things have to get done.  Picking up the living room, having a semi-clean kitchen and making my daughter's lunch the night before make for a much smoother morning in our household.  That doesn't mean those things are always done every night.  But most nights they are.  That's something that does need to be done.  Like I've said before, there are other things I don't worry about as much.  My dresser is piled high with random papers, keepsakes and paraphernalia.  But that's not something I feel pressured to take care of.

You know what your hot buttons are.  You know what your husbands hot buttons are.  My husband detests a sinkful of dirty dishes.  On a Saturday when our family is home most of the day, he probably does dishes at least five times.  No joke.  I don't care as much about dirty dishes.  I'd rather they pile up and then I'll do them all at once.  But because I know how Bean gets with the kitchen, I almost always try to have the dishes done when he gets home from work (on the days I'm home).  If I choose to do nothing, he immediately goes to the kitchen to wash dishes when he gets home from work, which sometimes annoys me.

But some days, if I've been on a big outing with the kids or done a lot of errands or maybe I'm just exhausted, I'll let the kitchen slide.  And Bean lives.  There are days that I choose to do nothing that can wait.  Because it's right for that day.  Because I want to snuggle my kids on the couch while we have downtime and I need to just lose myself in mindless reading or television.

That's balance.

When I lack balance in my life, when I do too much or when I don't do enough, I pay the price.  I crash on the days I'm off.  I spiral downward.  Bean loves when I use that phrase.  It's not a good sign.  By the end of my workweek, I'm a mess.  I have no motivation to do the things I need to do or should do.  I don't eat right.  I don't exercise.  One negative thought turns into about 1,000 and all of the sudden I'm finding every little thing wrong with life and it's the end of the world.  I may appear to have it all together, but this really does happen.  Inside, I'm falling apart.

When I have balance in my life, I am happy and fulfilled.  I find joy in the small things, even if the big picture isn't what I would like it to be.  The things that are un-done don't bother me.  I am thankful for the blessings in my life.  I can see the blessings in my life.  I recognize the value of eating well and exercising.

If you stop to think on it, you can probably identify similar patterns in your own life. 

What happens when you lack balance in your life? 

What does it look like when you know what needs to be done, when to do it and when do not do anything?

mommy days

It's Wednesday night.  By this time of the week I'm pretty exhausted.  Four full days of work and life.  Add in a sick baby girl this week--which means a little less sleep and interrupted sleep--and it's been a week.

Wednesday night is also a great night because it means "mommy days" are coming up.  When Miss Rose was little she always wanted to know what the plan for the day was.  Somehow I started identifying the day by who she would be with--especially since her week has always been split between different family members and a daycare for a while too.  The days I was home we called "Mommy days.'

This title has carried on of course, and now Gracie often asks if "today is a Mommy day".

I love Mommy days.  They love Mommy days. 

Tomorrow will be extra fun because Miss Rose is off school for Veterans Day.  I think we're heading to the Children's Museum.  I recently scored a family membership for 1/2 off.  We haven't ever been before, but I hear it's lots of fun--very hands on.  I'm sure it will be kind of busy since it's a holiday, but we'll give it a shot.

Over at Work, Wife, Mom....Life it's Working Mommy Wednesday and Julia wants to know about lunch habits!  I'm sure this is just going to be fascinating.

Well, I'm in the office three days a week.  I usually bring lunch two days and buy out one day.  Tuesdays are our staff meetings and we always go out to lunch afterwards.  I try to keep my meal at $15 or less.  Sometimes I wish I didn't spend that money each week, but it's an important time for fellowship and relationship with my co-workers.

When I bring my lunch, what I bring often depends on how much time I have to prepare it.  Peanut butter & jelly is a fan favorite.  Seriously.  I love that sandwich.  A great mix of protein and carbs, sweet and salty and I usually have it on whole grain bread.  A new favorite is using sandwich thins, toasting them and putting egg salad on them.  I also love this recipe--so easy and tasty.  I haven't made it in a few weeks.  I think it's time.  I also usually have a piece of fruit, and maybe something crunchy.  More often than not, I have a few small pieces of candy too, if I have to be honest.  I don't bring it...but one of the offices is always stocked and I have a hard time not going in there!

That's what's for lunch! 

on achieving balance (hint: impossible)

Earlier this year I had the pleasure of speaking at a mom’s group that a college friend helps lead.  While there, I also met another blogger.  I had come across her blog not too long before meeting her and was intrigued because she is a mom to three girls and I knew of her husband and their band from my college days also.  Check out her blog.  You’ll keep going back.

Anyhow, I digress.

Back when I spoke, I intended to share the content here on my blog.  But time got away from me, and then I couldn’t find my notes.  I thought I had it typed up on my computer, but all I could find was an outline with blanks.  And I couldn’t remember all the fill-in’s.  But last week while reading one of my Bible’s, I found my original notes!

So I can finally share them here with you.  I’m going to break it up though into a few days of posts because otherwise it will be too long.  I get wordy.

As moms, I think we often strive for balance in our lives.  We want to have all our ducks in a row.  We want to have a clean and organized home, homemade meals, laundry clean and put away, time for ourselves, time with our husbands and to be showered would be nice too.  All in the same day. 

When was the last time that happened for you?  Oh, and for me and other working moms---add in working to that balanced day too.

But honestly, it’s not realistic. 

Balance, is defined as a state of equilibrium or equipoise; equal distribution of weight, amount, etc.

This sort of balance, where there is equal distribution is almost impossible.  As a mom, as human being living on earth, things are always changing.  You can’t predict which day your baby will take that glorious three-hour nap giving you plenty of time to catch up on the housework as well as your favorite TV show.  Because it could just as easily be the day your baby is teething and refuses to nap more than thirty minutes at a time.

As a working mom, illness is what often throws the wrench into my “perfect balance.”  When my kids or my caregivers are sick, it often means I lose time at work.  So I’m trying to work at home.  Or trying to get more done in less time.  And the balance goes out the door.  Because then I get stressed, and I have anxiety over what I’m not getting done and because I’m caring for a sick child, I’m not getting anything else done.

The list goes on for what disrupts balance; car trouble, weather, broken appliances, or fill-in-the-blank.

I prefer a different definition of balance when it comes to motherhood.

Balance does not necessarily mean equal.  If your life were represented by a pie (mine would be apple crumb if you’re wondering), you are not going to be able to cut that pie in equal pieces each day.  Some days, one piece of the pie will need to be bigger than the others.

Three days a week, when it’s all said and done, about 11 hours of my day are devoted to work.  It begins when I wake up—and maybe run on the treadmill—and get myself and the kids out of the door (with Bean’s help too), work and then pick the kids up and get home.  Even once we are home, the time goes quickly and I’m tired from a long day, and trying to maximize the time I do have with my kids.  Housekeeping is usually low on the list—the smallest piece of the pie.

The days that I am at home, balance swings more towards housework and quality time with children.  The hardest days for me are those where I truly need downtime and I don’t push myself to accomplish much.  I feel guilty, selfish and lazy. I want to have that perfectly put together home and fully homecooked meal ready for dinner.  But the pace of my life catches up with me sometimes, and I need a semi-catatonic day to reboot.

Instead of feeling guilty that you aren’t getting it all done in one day, look at the big picture.  It gets done, when it needs to get done, when you can get it done, when what’s most important has already been done.

Balance is individual.  I am amazed at the status updates I read on Facebook from a college friend of mine.  She never stops moving!  When her kids are napping or sleeping at night, she’s doing laundry and housework.  When my kids sleep, I sometimes don’t do anything!  But obviously for her, as a stay at home mom, cleanliness and organization and completion of tasks are important to her. 

We all have our priorities.  We all have those areas of our house that need to be clean or organized, lest we go crazy.  We also have those areas that aren’t as important. 

My balance is extremely individual.  I am a working mom in a position where I am the only one who can do most of my duties.  Sundays are workdays for me.  Yet, I’m off two weekdays.  Sometimes my job requires evenings or weekends.  It’s not just a job, it’s a calling, a lifestyle, it’s emotionally demanding at times.

I get in trouble when I compare my life to the life of a stay-at-home-mom, or a mom who can leave work at work.  My life is unique.  Thus my approach to my life must be unique.  And the balance I must achieve varies from week to week and I am the only one who can determine it.

We all have different personalities.  Our priorities and needs in life are individual.  And how we cut that pie each day will be different.  And that’s okay.

Own your own sense of balance.  Don’t judge another mom for her sense of balance. 

Take a deep breath and live your life, according to how God made you.  Just like it says in Ecclesiastes, there is a time for everything.  It does not specify how much time for each thing.  Because it’s different for each of us.

Just to recap…

Balance is almost impossible

Balance does not necessarily mean equal

Balance is individual

More tomorrow!

honest

How often are you honest with yourself?  With others?  I spend a lot of time being not honest.  Mostly with myself, but that bleeds over into my interactions with others.  It's not that I want to be dishonest.  It's usually that I don't like my emotions or opinions.  So I pretend they aren't there.  Or that they aren't that big of a deal. 

But I know that's not healthy.  And so I've been trying more to be honest.  Mostly with myself.  I'm finding that when I'm honest with myself, God can speak to me more. 

If I'm being honest, being a working mom is really hard.  And it breaks my heart to leave my babies, even though I have an ideal work situation.

If I'm being honest, I know that I'm supposed to be a working mom right now.  If I wasn't working, we wouldn't have been able to buy our home, which also provides a home for my parents. 

If I'm being honest, I hope and pray that by working now, someday in the future I'll have the opportunity to not work.  I firmly believe that God gives us the desires of our heart as we delight in him, and that desire is as strong as ever, so I know it will be fulfilled one day.

If I'm being honest, I'm thrilled that God has provided for us to have thousands of dollars of renovations on our house, that we won't have to pay for thanks to grants.  I know that's one of His blessings, and a sign that we are right where we are supposed to be in life.

If I'm being honest, my kids are rather disrespectful with their speech and attitude towards us.  We are trying so hard to correct this, but are at a loss sometimes.  It's embarrassing.  I blame myself.  I blame my fatigue from such a full life and laziness too.

If I'm being honest, I'm not good at "playing with" my kids.  I feel like I should be.  But I'm not.  I love having them around and interacting with them.  But I feel like I need to play more.

If I'm being honest, I am richly blessed.  Rick Warren has said "no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for."  Things in my life aren't bad.  Sometimes I get overwhelmed and I feel like they are.  But I have so much to be thankful for.

If I'm being honest, I am a work in process.  I will always be.  I just want to love God, love my husband and raise my children to love God too. 

I like being honest.

**this is linked up with Julia for Working Mommy Wednesday.

dull?

I think I may change my blog name to Never A Dull Moment.  Because honestly, there isn't one.  Although I'd really like a dull moment, or a lot of dull moments.

I figure its this way for everyone with kids, young kids, many kids.  Please tell me it's true.  So often, when I recount whats going on in my life I feel like people look at me funny.  But honestly, I want a dull life.

So Lily was sick all last weekend.  Sunday morning was finally her last fever.  Which reminds me, I didn't give her the antibiotic before bed.  Sigh.  Should be real fun to give it to her while she's asleep.

Tuesday morning started out just lovely, when I couldn't find my house & work keys.  My car keys detach from them and I usually have to trade cars with my mother-in-law when she watches the kids.  I remembered Lily trying to use the keys on the door and being mad that she couldn't reach and I wouldn't lift her up.  I scoured the house in the usual spots, but no dice.  Luckily I live in an ok area, my parents are next door and Bean was coming home at lunch for an appointment.

While in my weekly Tuesday meetings I get texts that Gracie has a tummy ache and Bean has decided to get the girls when he comes home.  I offer to come home after my meetings so he can go back to work.  I spent the afternoon working while Gracie and Lily slept.  Gracie had some little stomach bug that caused some trips to the bathroom and one vomit.  And a night in mom and dad's bed.

My sister in law, who watches the kids on Wednesdays was sick--and we also didn't want to risk Gracie spreading any germs.  I got up and went to work from 7:30am-10:30am.  Came home and Bean went to work.  In between caring for kids, I worked another solid 3 hours.  It is nice that I can work from home often.  Although I always feel bad for my assistant when I do because she gets about eighty-thousand emails from me. 

There were a couple things I forgot at work.  Like email lists on my computer that I HAD to send emails to.  So when Bean got home at 5:30, I headed back to work for another hour+.  Got home, inhaled some dinner and finished helping Bean get kids in bed.

Did I mention that today is our 9th anniversary?  We didn't have any plans, especially since it's the middle of the week and we are broke anyways.  But still, it's been a long, stressful day.  Thankfully Gracie woke up and was pretty much back to normal.  She ate and played most of the day as always.  

Tomorrow Lily has a well-baby check.  I'm thrilled that they won't play Twenty Questions about her not walking, since she has been walking a few months now.  But she's supposed to get shots.  Which should make her super happy the rest of the day.  She's doing a lot of whining and complaining and demanding lately.  I pretty much want to put her on the street corner in a box by the end of most days.  Yet somehow, I love her so fiercely.

Once again, life has sucked the blog out of me!  I'd rather blog about fun stuff!

Someday it will be dull, and I'll look fondly back to these days.

Right?

already behind

I am trying SO.HARD to find joy in the journey.  That's been my inner mantra this past week.  I'm having a few weeks (and probably a few yet to come) where I feel behind before I've even started.  I'm getting what I need done, but at the cost of a bit of my sanity.  It's the homefront, the workfront, the lifefront.  It's just full.

Joy in the journey.  So many around me are experiencing great heartbreak.  A 4-month old baby recently diagnosed with a brain disorder.  Much is yet unknown about her prognosis, but it seems without a miracle, her development will be severely impaired.  A 36-year old mom of three, with aggressive breast cancer looking at at least one year of intense treatment.

May day to day struggles pale in comparison to these journeys. 

Yet I struggle.  I want to focus on the positives.  I want to recognize the blessings.  I want to look at the big picture.  And I do.  I do all of these things.  Yet still I feel weighed down.  Overwhelmed.  Stuck.  Bleak.

I trust.  I trust in my Lord.  I trust in His plan.  I trust in His Word. 

I say, why so downcast O my soul.  Put your trust in the Lord.  Hide me in the shadow of your wings.  (Psalm 17:8, Psalm 43:5)

One day at a time.  One task at a time.  One moment at a time when necessary.

I soak in the affection of my daughters.  I bask in the love my of my husband.  I drown in the grace of my Savior.

I may already be behind this week, but I'm going to try again.  To seek after hope.  To find joy in the journey.

on the merry-go-round

Do you ever feel like your life is a merry-go-round that seems to never stop so you can get off?  That's where I'm at right now.  I had a great week with the kids last week, but come Sunday night the "back to work" blues hit, and then a cold turned into a virus with the baby, complete with fever.  That merry-go-round kicked up and off we went.  It seems like it's coming to a stop, but I can't be sure.

I don't like weeks like this.  I don't like feeling this way.  This was not a good re-entry into the working mom life, after a calm, fun week of being a mom.

Due to a variety of things, I completely lost it on Tuesday.  I was intending to go to work, but the wheels flew off of everything and my only option was to stay home.  Not that I was upset to stay home.  When my children are sick, it rips my heart in two to leave them and go to work.  But after being gone for a week, and then my first day back was an off-site planning day, I had work piled up. 

And when I say I lost it, I mean I cried for over an hour.  I would stop, and then start again.  And for me, crying for an hour is the equivalent of the average woman crying for three days straight.  I never cry like that.  But I needed it.  Crying is cleansing and often I wish I could let myself cry more. 

But, in the midst of it all, God is good and when all the wheels fly off your life, he provides people to loan you their spare tires.  Bean has been amazing, staying home two days this week with Lily.  Family stepped in to help out with the older girls these last few days too--and they even brought us a pizza last night.  Someone even did some cleaning at my house.  We have awesome family.  We love being there for them too.

I am hoping, praying, expecting, believing that tomorrow I will get off this merry-go-round and resume normal life and normal emotions.  On Monday, the doctor said to expect three days of fever for Lily.  Tonight completes three days so hopefully tomorrow she will be fever free.

My thought tonight was that I want to find joy in the journey.  Life is a journey.  There are always going to be ups and downs.  But I'm asking God to restore my joy and give me peace in th storm.

I do plan to resume the fun of sharing life with our Three-Bean Circus.  I have so many photos from this summer.

Here's hoping all is well with you!

embracing the day

I am often plagued by self-imposed guilt.  I'm an overachiever and a people pleaser.  My life is held in a very precarious balance.  When any little thing upsets that balance, my guilt usually increases.

When I'm going to work, I feel guilty for not being there with my kids.

When the balance has to swing towards my kids, I feel guilty for not being at work.

I feel guilty that Bean often makes dinner and does clean-up while I am with the kids.  Granted, he prefers to do that, and he knows how much I need that time to reconnect with the kids after a day at work.

I feel guilty when Bean sends me out for a run, because he rarely takes me up on similar offers.

I feel guilty when I take a slow day and don't get much cleaning or laundry done.

Since Lily was running a low grade fever last night (she's still asleep, so not sure how she is doing this morning) she needs to be home.  My job is more flexible and I can do things from home, so when it's possible, I usually stay home.  Bean is more than willing to stay home as needed (and he did last week). 

Last night I was letting the guilt overtake me.  Guilt for not being in the office.  Guilt for another "odd" week.  Last week my mother-in-law was sick so I stayed home on Monday and went to work on Thursday instead.  A change in my routine, in that precarious balance, isn't my favorite.

No matter what though, my family always comes first.  And I remind myself that ultimately, I work for God.  I minister to his people through my vocation.  God knows when my children will be sick.  God knows what responsibilities I have at work.

So I need to do a better job of trusting him and his infinite wisdom and not letting guilt consume me.

As the guilt was drowning me and my soul reached out to God to save me, I simply heard the word: embrace.

Embrace what the day holds.  Embrace the opportunity to cuddle my baby.  Embrace a slower morning.  Embrace an extra day with the kids.

Certainly I'll be checking in with work and doing some preparation during naptime.

But this is the day the Lord made, and I need to embrace it.

What challenges are you fighting against that you can embrace today?

home sweet home

I feel like I haven't been home in almost two weeks.  I have been at my house and slept in my bed many of those nights.  But I haven't really been home.  I've been moving from event to event, checking things off my to-do list.  As soon as one thing was finished, it was on to preparing for the next thing.  From new ministries I'm launching, to Good Friday and Easter festivities, to birthday parties and traveling with a 1 yr old. 

But now, I'm home.  And it feels so good.  Lily seems pretty happy to be home too, after traveling with me the last three days.  I can focus on the things of home.  Catching up on life, on time with the children, on cooking and groceries.  Bean does such a great job of keeping things going when I'm gone that it's easy to pick up again.

Sleeping in my own bed last night was glorious.  I didn't wake up once, unlike sleeping in a hotel room with a baby in a pack and play next to you.  Lily had some difficulty staying asleep early in the night, but once she was out, she slept until 7am, a somewhat late hour for her.  She was actually still dozing when I went in to get her, and probably would have continued to if I didn't have to get her up for school drop-off.  In fact, when I first reached in to get her, she shook her head (her favorite method of communication lately).  "No Mama, I'm so happy to be in my bed, I'd like to stay here."

I'm embracing and enjoying the mundane today.  There is nothing like a few weeks of busyness to help one glory in the day to day duties of homemaking and childraising.

I have so much blogging I hope to catch up on.  Cute stories, fun photos, recording the milestones of our lives.   Stay tuned!