12::v-day (2)

We are all made up of a heart and a mind.  Often, these two are in conflict.  Sometimes you choose with your heart, because you can't live with yourself if you don't take a chance.  Other times you know you have to go with your head and make the wise, responsible choice.  And sometimes, you have to figure out how to combine the two.

My mind knows that making a conscious effort to end our babymaking days is right.  Making babies is something we seem to be good at.  I'm not interested in being on a contraceptive pill for years on end.  And with our current insurance that's the only affordable birth control for me.  Although we are using another form of birth control, it’s open to operator error.  I’m tired of wondering each month if I got pregnant “on accident.”

Why do I want a fourth baby?  I have these visions of the “perfect” new baby scenario.  A wonderful pregnancy in which I take the professional maternity photos I never did with my three.  A scenario in which I am a homemaker and have the time to prepare a special, personalized nursery for the little one.  Everything is checked off on the “to do before baby list” before the baby comes.  I don’t have to worry about pumping or storing milk.  I spend my days wearing my baby and nurturing my four children and making a lovely home for my husband.

Fantasy my friends, pure fantasy.  I do realize this.  I’ve read too many books and seen too many romantic movies!  My little scenario doesn’t often happen in real life because, well, life happens.  I do love each story that surrounds the birth of my three children.  Because it was real life.  Yet still…my mind wanders. 

I get baby envy and belly envy.  I think pregnant bellies and newborn babies have been stalking me lately!  I sometimes have stay-at-home mom envy.  I don’t expect that to go away quickly or easily.  I am in awe of those who easily add fourth, fifth and even sixth children to their families and it isn’t a financial strain to them.  Secretly, I wish we had that faith and freedom.  I wonder why, when I would be so thrilled with one more child, God didn’t orchestrate that, like he orchestrated Lily. But each one can only make the decision that is right for their family, and trust God for his direction of their family.

Part of the issue of my heart is that I love this stage of life I'm in right now.   It’s what I waited my whole life for, being surrounded by little ones that love me and need me.  I expect that as my children grow and we move out of the "baby phase" I will not long for it so much and will get excited about the new phases we move into.

However, there are many benefits to being done having babies.  I can actually get my body back, and keep it!  I haven't had a decent wardrobe in about 4 years because I've either been pregnant or losing pregnancy weight.  Perhaps Bean and I will get to go away together for a night, come our anniversary in October.

The reality is, I feel that it would be selfish of me to push for a fourth child.  I know how much Bean loves me, and when I actually ask for something, he has a very difficult time refusing me.  I know, that I could probably wear him down.  But that would be taking advantage of his love for me.

Bean loves his family with a vengeance, but the last several years have been devoted to my dreams and goals of family and children.   Bean is a wonderful partner in life and he is extremely active and involved in the day-to-day managing of the house and children.  I can't complain that he doesn't help or contribute, like some wives do because he goes non-stop most days.

But I want him to get to focus on his goals and dreams next.  Another baby would just prolong those things.  He's given me the fulfillment of my dream of being a mom with at least three kids, and now I want to help him fulfill his dreams.

Why not focus on what God’s given me?  Why not lavish all my love on these three, without pining for this non-existent fourth?  Why not concentrate on all we will be able to give these three?  It’s something I’m working on.

No matter what the fleshly desires of my heart, I strongly believe that this moment, this life, is what God intended for me.  I abide by Psalm 16:6 that says, "the boundary lines for me have fallen in pleasant places."  Meaning the life I have, is the life God intended for me, and I need to focus on the pleasantness of what he has blessed me with.  It is sinful for me to always look at everyone else and pick what part of their life I would like to have.  God didn’t intend that life for me, he intended this life for me.  And it’s a good one.

Being a working mom is a financial necessity and also a fulfillment of God’s call on my life.  I may not always fulfill my call in that way, but for the foreseeable future, that’s what I’m called to.  I barely make it most weeks with three children and my job.  It would be selfish of me to add another child, just because I want one, and take a part of me away from my husband, my three girls and my job.

I trust God infinitely with my life; with our family's life.  This is something we've sought God on, and feel peace about.  My emotions are attached to not having more children, not the vasectomy.  And I don’t see us having more children, vasectomy or not.  Just because you determine something is the right decision, doesn't necessarily make it easy to make or accept.

I know that God's ways are higher than ours and if we live seeking Him and submitting to His will, he will direct our paths.  And, if for some reason God does desire us to have more children, he will orchestrate it in his way.  Vasectomies have been known to "fail" and there are many babies and children already in the world who need families.

My heart is full with my husband and my three beautiful children.  I am complete.  However, I can’t help but wonder what God’s purpose is, for this desire of my heart.  I know we made the right decision, but I still feel like the story isn’t over.

11:: snapshot

This, was my reality today.  A snapshot taken with the Photobooth on my Mac.

Lily has been very fussy today.  All week in fact.  She had a fever from Sunday to Tuesday.  And has had a case of the fussy's all week.  She had her shots last week and I learned that the reaction can come up to a week later.  So the fever could have been that.  She's also cutting one of her top teeth, and those always seem to be difficult to cut.  (Do you see her bottom teeth in the photo?!)

By fussy, I really mean, screaming bloody murder anytime I put her down.  And waking several times during the night crying.  And waking before 6am in the morning.  Gripping me when I'm holding her.  Screaming every time she was in the car today.  It hasn't been this bad since she was a newborn and very colicky.

I assume its her teeth.  That stinking tooth is still not poking through, but it's right there.  It can't feel good. 

Lily did take a 3-hour nap this morning, from which I had to wake her up.  But her afternoon nap was just over an hour.

It's been a long, tiring day. 

But I still love it.  I may be frusterated by not being able to do much around the house, but I'll never turn down an opportunity to hold my baby more.  She's not going to be a baby forever.

10:: v-day (1)

I've been mulling ove this topic for weeks, maybe even months now.  Thinking about what I would share.  Working through it all in my head.

Whew. I think I'm ready.

So, v-day is almost upon us.  Our official baby-making days will soon be over.

If you've been following my blog for a while, you may have picked up that this is a bit difficult for me.  I love babies.  I love feeling a baby move inside my belly.  I am a rare person who loves those first few months of the tiny, squalling, even colicky baby.  Don't get me wrong.  I get tired and frustrated like everyone else, but yet I love every moment.  I had a hard time saying Lily was my last baby.  I still do at times.

I always imagined myself with four children.  Maybe its because I'm one of four children and I really enjoyed our family size.  Maybe its because being a mom is my favorite thing in the world (besides marrying Bean of course).  Maybe I want four children because I'm crazy.

Bean was open to stopping at just one child after we had Miss Rose.  But he agreed that giving Miss Rose a sibling was important.  We had some long talks about having a third child.  It was extremely hard for me to reconcile with having two children.  Bean, being the wonderful man that he is, concluded that I would always regret not having a third child (which was correct), while he would love that child from the moment it was conceived. 

Not long after this conversation, I found myself unexpectedly pregnant with our third child!  Even though we were planning on a third child, the timing wasn't what we would have planned with our second just being one year old and some job insecurity at the time along with buying our first house.  We had a few tense conversations coming to terms with our new reality.

Lily is such a wonderful addition to our family.  Miss Rose and Gracie love her.  The covet her attention and her smiles.  She gets so excited to see them and interact with them.  She's my sweet baby.  A mama's girl.  She loves to be worn and wants to be held all the time.  I can't imagine life without her.  And in many ways, she does complete our family.

Yet I still have this crazy desire for a fourth child.  It's lunacy, I know.  I already have a hard time working and mothering three children.  My house is rarely organized or picked up.  There is always something that needs to be done.  I'm on the verge of a mental or emotional breakdown a few times a month.  Evenings are crazy in our house.  Miss Rose turns goofy, Gracie is hyper and Lily wants to be held.

And still I would add another child to that mix.  (Yes Bean, really I would.  I know he's reading this right now thinking--you can't be serious.  But I am.

But Bean, he's done.  There is no way he can fathom another child.  And I understand that.  In my head, it makes sense.  We live in a sub-1100 square foot home.  Two working parents and four small children sounds rather unmanagable.  We aren't those working parents who have lots of money for nannies and housecleaners.  We rely on family for childcare (and they are wonderful) and clean our own home.

It makes sense.  It's the right choice.  We have a wonderful family and three beautiful daughters.  Me, the mom who loves children, I'm at minivan status.  I have more children than "average".  It's responsible.

This, this is my head speaking.

Tomorrow, I'll share more from my heart.

9:: hot rod

I'm hoping that my daughter stays athletic and not too concerned about her looks.
I know I'm biased...but she only gets more gorgeous each year and in a few years, when boys start looking her way, I'll be quite happy if she is oblivious and just keeps on in her independant way.

The Hot Rods first game was rained out.  Hopefully Saturday, we'll get to play her first game!

8:: strong

Back in the day, you heard a lot about the "power suit." Do people still wear those? Or refer to them?

What do you wear when you want to feel strong, powerful, in control?

Or what do you wear when you don't feel those things, but need to be inspired?

This is what I put on.

A few weeks ago I was driving (hence the seat belt...I was stopped at a light) to Miss Rose's awards assembly. Did I mention that here? She received an award for being a good role model and outstanding effort in writing.

I had already taken Miss Rose and our neighbor to school. Dropped Gracie & Lily off.

Returned home to check email and do a few work related things before heading back to the school. I would be going to work afterward, to spend pretty much all day in meetings and planning sessions.

I am woman, I am a mom, I am a pastor. Hear me roar.

I am a runner. I had a great run the day before.

I felt strong.

This necklace, although the details are hard to make out, symbolizes strength to me.

It's actually my finishing medal from the 2007 Nike Women's Half Marathon in San Francisco. Gracie was just 6 months old when I completed it. I highly recommend the race. Because the "medal", it's Tiffany's. As in, little blue box Tiffany's. When you cross the finish line there are guys in tuxedos, with little blue boxes on silver platters. It's worth every mile! I love the tshirt I also received. It says FINISHER.

When I feel strong, I wear this necklace. It has a somewhat abstract design of two women running side by side.

I wear it because I am strong. Because I am a finisher. Because I'm worth it.

And, when I don't feel strong, I wear this necklace. Because I need the reminder. That I can be strong. That I am a finisher. To boost my confidence and give me inspiration.

Only one person can win a race. I doubt that I will ever "win" a race. I don't run to win. I run to finish. I run to feel the sense of accomplishment. I run to improve, just a little, on my last run. A few seconds faster, a mile further.

This isn't only true about running. It's true about life. My life. Your life.

I don't need to compete to win. I just need to finish. Each day, each task, each goal. To improve on yesterday. To go a bit further, to love more, to complain less. To feel that sense of accomplishment. To finish, you just run one mile at a time, take one day at a time. Sometimes, even one moment at a time. Putting one foot in front of the other.

I am a finisher.

7:: weekly wrap up

Today marks my seventh day not eating sugary treats.  That phrase sounds somewhat juvenile to me for some reason.  But it is what it is.

I'm proud of myself for the accomplishments this week.  It's a pretty big deal for me to have not grabbed a piece of candy from the office, a baked goodie from the store, or shared some ice cream with Bean at night.  I don't know if I've actually gone this long without such treats.  Certainly I've counted calories and points--but I typically save points for my favorite goodies in small portions.

This month is going to be good for me.  I need it.  However, it's going to be a long month.  It's become much easier to resist the sugar I eat without thinking during the course of the day.  It's harder though when it's dessert after dinner.  Or, "everyone else is having some."

In fact, I may have fallen off the wagon for a short time yesterday.  It was the end of a long (albeit good) day, we ate pizza with friends and there were divine cake leftovers from an event.  I had previously resisted temptation at the event, but I guess it caught up with me.  At least I only ate one piece I guess.  I've dusted myself off, and hopped back on the wagon.

Bean.  Well, he's another story.  Yes dear, I'm calling you out.  At the start of the week I asked for his support and accountability and even invited him to join me in trying to eat better.  The stinker has tried to get me to "cheat" every day!  Sometimes more than once.  He's had a sweet tooth and wants an accomplice.  He was holding a hand up to the wagon inviting me to jump off last night.  (still love you babe!)

Three more Sundays until I can have my Sunday morning donut.  Or maybe, I'll become more empowered and not choose a donut as part of my Sunday morning breakfast routine. 

Week 2, coming up.  My main goal this week was obviously--no sugary treats.  This next week I think I'm going to work on counting calories or points and eating more vegetables.  I love Weight Watchers while breastfeeding and losing weight, but for some reason once my babies are one, I don't enjoy it as much.  So I'm not sure what I'll do to track my food.  I always struggle figuring out how many calories to eat also---seems like every site says something different.  And I am still nursing 2-3x a day, so I still need some extra calories for that.

It's been interesting making a point to blog every day, or at least schedule a post.  Thankfully, there's always photos when in need!

6:: in the garden

My sweet girls.