train of thought

I really want to blog...but I can't really pick one thing to blog about.  Mostly because, as usual, there are too many things swimming around in my head and it's hard to pick just one to develop. 

So, have fun following my train of thought!  And let me warn you, the cars on this train may be on the same track, but they don't have a lot in common.  Welcome to my brain!!

I can't believe that January is almost half over, much less that my baby is going to be one in just a few weeks.  Bean and I are doing a Daniel Fast this week with our church.  I fasted in college, but it's been a long time since I've done a fast--and this is the first time I've done a Daniel fast.  Basically we're eating anything that comes from seed and isn't refined or have preservatives.  We aren't hungry at all, but it is an adjustment.  In fact it's a much healthier way to eat!

One of the neat things is the timing of this fast.  Back in December, when our whole family got sick and I ended up in the ER, Bean had an important physical test that he had to miss.  It's rescheduled for this Saturday.  In the Book of Daniel, Daniel and the other men with him ate just vegetables and water and at the end of 10 days their minds were sharper and they were healthier than all the other men.  In Daniel 10, another fast is recorded that gives more details of what he ate and didn't eat.   I think God is preparing Bean both mentally and physically this week for Saturday.  Bean said I could share that he's taking a physical test to become a police officer.  It's a longtime dream of his and we are praying that God opens every door.  We'd love if you joined us in praying!   This is just the second step in a long process.

We established some family rules a few months ago.  Simply writing them out and putting them on the kitchen wall did help Miss Rose in following them.  But we still struggle a lot with her speaking and responses.  She talks back, disagrees and speaks negatively A LOT more than I want her to, or is acceptable.  I'm thinking up a demarit system where after a certain number of marks, she loses a privilege or has consequences.  It's hard to figure out what that would be though.  There isn't one thing that she does every single day.  And half of the week she isn't with me, so restrictions could be hard or impossible to enforce.  I have to do something though, because it's not getting better.

I used to think I would be this awesome mom with children who behaved and were respectful.  I'm finding that is a lot harder than I anticipated.  I just haven't quite figured it out yet.  I'm trying to decipher were we didn't discipline soon enough with Miss Rose so that we can do better with Gracie.  She's starting to show some verbal spunk herself.  This parenting thing is hard sometimes.

There are random moments in the day, that it hits me once again that Eddie is gone.  As I was running this afternoon (I actually got a short 3 mile run in!) he came to mind once again.  It's been a journey to figure out my grief as I haven't seen Eddie more than a handful of times in the past ten years.  But for about 10 years I saw him several times a week.  I realized today that much of my grief stems from the man I know Eddie was, and how incredibly important he was to those closest to him and the huge hole that he leaves.  Yes, the hole in my life is there, but it's nothing compared to the hole he leaves in others. 

A few blogs I've read recently have given me food for thought about my blog and my honestly and boldness in what I talk about.  I want to be more raw this year on my blog.  Not that I'm not real or honest, but I think there is more I can share.  And mostly, it's for me.  While I am glad that a handful of people read and enjoy my blog, it's my outlet.  I enjoy writing and express myself best that way.  So I think I'm going to become more expressive.

Oh, and baby Finley who was born in November at 26 weeks, weighting 1 pound and 6 oz?  She's hopefully going home soon!  Perhaps even before her mid-February due date.  She's past 4 pounds now, off oxygen and learning to eat.  God is GOOD!  She is a miracle baby in so many ways.  I'm excited to go celebrate with her mom soon and shower her with lots of love.  This is a long-awaited for baby in more ways than one.

There are so many more cars on this train...but it's getting late and the train is slowing down. 

**there are probably about ten links I should have put into this post, but not happening tonight :)