It Is Finished

For 13 months my body has mostly belonged to my baby. Actually, it was more like 22 months. Almost 2 years. That's kind of a crazy thought. For 9 months she grew inside of me and then for the next 13 months my milk helped sustain her.

For the longest time, she's been ANGRY in the morning wanting to nurse right away. I'm not sure if it was a hunger issue or just wanting that connection. A few weeks ago she started not waking as angry and then last weekend she skipped a few mornings, so I just decided to go with it.

There have been several times in the last 10 days that I could tell she would have gladly nursed. Usually this is indicated by her hitting my chest area with her forehead. I'm not sure why that's her "nurse now" sign, but it has been. It kind of makes me laugh. At least it's not lifting up my shirt or something. Once I comfort her in another way, the desire to nurse seems to dissipate.

Weaning this baby has been difficult for me, mentally. She was attached to nursing much longer than Miss Rose. Maybe because I was working out of the home 3 days a week, so she really wanted that connection. I was able to work at home during Miss Rose's first year. By the time Miss Rose was 1 year, she was such a "healthy" size that nursing her wasn't a tender moment. It was more like wrestling an orangutan! Gracie is such a petite thing that she still feels very "baby".

I think there is also a real sentimental aspect for me. When Miss Rose was weaned, I knew I'd have more children. I didn't know how many, but I knew I would nurse more babies. Now though, I know that there is just one more baby in our future. There were some complications with my last delivery that make me nervous to have more children. My doctor has assured me another pregnancy will be okay, but I will be closely monitored and will deliver early. I feel that going through pregnancy and delivery one more time is probably low risk, but more beyond that might not be wise.

As I'm weaning Gracie, I realize, the next baby I nurse will be the last baby I nurse. So it's like I want to hold on to nursing Gracie longer. I can barely bring myself to say "she's weaned." When people ask, I say "she hasn't nursed in a week. I think she's weaned." Of course there still is milk...but I'm sure not much! I know, it's really a silly thing. But that's what a blog is for, right? Sharing your secret thoughts.

But, it's time. Gracie is sleeping later in the mornings now. I suspect she was waking earlier to nurse, wanting that connection--although she truly needed more sleep. She wakes happy for the most part and I love hearing Miss Rose and Gracie laugh and play together in the morning--at a reasonable hour. Before, Gracie would be yelling and I'd go in and Miss Rose would be covering her ears and sleepily say "can you take her out please."

It will be good...strike that...it IS good to have my body back. My hormones will even out. Now if only I could have the cup size back that I lost after nursing a 2nd baby. Oh the sacrifices a mother makes.