the plague, and other tidbits

I've decided we have the plague, here at the circus.  Thankfully it's only a 2-ring plague, and we're hoping it stays that way.  I don't know if it's swine flu, or seasonal flu.  Does it really matter?  It's a LONG LASTING flu, and it sucks.  Miss Rose is on day 5 of a fever.  Gracie is on day 3 or 4. 

Lily woke up very snotty this morning, and I pray a fever is not to follow.  Gracie started out with a runny nose, but hers was clear, while Lily's is green.

I've been singing in my head "this is the flu that never ends, it just goes on and on my friend..."  I honestly thought we'd escape this plague that I've read so much about the news and on other blogs.  Oh, I was so naive. 

Thankfully they are eating alright and their fevers are keeping them mellow, so they rest a lot. 

But I'm tired of TV and movies.  The TV is on constantly, on sometimes a movie is playing on a computer in my bedroom (because my bed is so much more desirable, thankyouverymuch for those germs).  But, watching movies and shows keeps them entertained and quiet.  When they start playing too much, meltdowns ensue, because they don't feel well.

We had to reschedule a church directory photo.  We have family photos scheduled tomorrow with Bean's family...and schedules are so impossible to coordinate that we're just keeping the appointment, giving medication and crossing our fingers.  At least one cousin is sick as well.  I'm really hoping Miss Rose can make her soccer game tomorrow since it's the last one Bean and I can attend, due to a wedding next weekend.

In other tidbits...

I see a future in weight-lifting for little Lily.  She has an amazing ability (in my opinion) to lift and move heavy items.  I keep her toys in a sturdy wooden caddy-it easily weighs 2-3lbs.  She loves to empty the toys out and then lift it, move it, hold it etc.  This morning she was playing with a larger heavy "spin the wheel" toy and again lifting it up.

Diet Coke and I are done, for a while, or for good.  A dear friend who's experienced great heartache already in trying to start a family, gave birth to Baby Finley at 26 weeks yesterday.  Pre-ecclampsia and the serious threat to mom's life, indicated delivery was a must.  So far, Baby Finley is "doing great" (direct quote!) 

Yesterday as we were waiting word on what would happen, my heart was so heavy.  All I wanted to do was fast and get on my knees all day.  But playing nursemaid to kids with the plague and nursing a baby, fasting food was out.  Determined though, I realized I could fast Diet Coke.  Because I drink Diet Coke a few times a day usually, and often when I'm not drinking it, I am thinking about when I might drink it again.  (I know, I have a problem). 

So I'm fasting Diet Coke as I pray for Baby Finley and her parents.  It worked quite well yesterday.  I spent a lot of time praying (as I went about the day), but every time I opened the fridge which has Diet Coke inside it, or several times when I had the urge for the frosty goodness, I was reminded to pray again.  Baby Finley will probably be in the hospital until February (her due date) and I'm going to continue my fast until she's home in her mama's arms.

I'm thankful that God's ways are higher than our ways, but that doesn't always make them easy to understand.

you give and take away

I love worship music.  I love to worship.  I love to sing worship.  I love to lead worship.  In a former life, that was my primary area of ministry (remember, I'm a pastor).  It's in worship, that I feel closest to God, that I can pour my heart out and where God really speaks to me.

In the course of worship on a Sunday morning, there is usually a phrase or portion of a song that sticks out to me--that touches me--that reveals something new about God and how he works to me.

This past Sunday it was Blessed Be The Name by Matt Redman.  I've sung that song, I've led that song probably hundreds of times.  Sometimes it's over-sung, but I never tire of the words in every part of the song.  As we sang it this Sunday, I recalled the most recent time I sang it, which was at Eddie's memorial service.  A very fitting song for such an occasion.

What struck me in a new way was the phrase "you give and take away."  Taken straight from Job 1:21.
Job knew pretty much the limits of what can be taken away--his children, his livelihood, the support of his wife and friends.  Yet he said he would bless the Lord.

So often we look at those as two separate things.  We can make a list of the things the Lord has given us--the blessings, the provisions, the miracles.  Then we make a list of what has been taken away--the loved ones we have lost, the jobs, relationships, opportunities.

What hit me Sunday was that these two things actually are quite connected.  Whenever God takes something, he also gives.  It's not that he replaces what has been taken with a duplicate or similar thing.  But he never leaves us without.

When I was 7 months pregnant, my job was taken from me.  I'll spare you the details, but it was a very difficult time.  I lost much more than a job.  But, through those circumstances the Lord gave me the opportunity to spend Miss Rose's first 16 months with her.  I worked at a daycare for a few months and I was able to bring Miss Rose with me.  Then I was home and also watched my niece full-time for her first year.  I am so glad she was able to be with me, and Miss Rose (they are just 4 months apart) for that crucial first year.  She holds a special place in my heart because of that year we shared together.

See the connection?  I'm not necessarily saying God took my job, but he did allow it to be taken--yet he also gave me so much.

I think about the loss of my friend Eddie.  His wife and sons have lost so much.  He was taken from them much too soon.  Yet, they are gaining a close relationship with his two best friends and their families.  They are gaining a circle of friends and supporters who want to be there for them in every way possible. 

If there is anyone in my life who knows the principles in this verse, it's my friend A.  After a few years of struggling with infertility, she was finally blessed with a pregnancy.  A baby boy.  After multiple ultrasounds and doctor appointments (routine when you have infertility treatments) it wasn't until her Level 2 ultrasound about halfway through the pregnancy they found out little Cole had a rare skeletal disorder and wouldn't survive.  Just a few weeks later he was born to heaven and then delivered onto this earth.

The Lord gave.  Then the Lord took away.  Then the Lord gave again just a few months later when A. found herself pregnant again, without any infertility treatments.  She wasn't even done grieving her son, as she also rejoiced in a precious daughter.  Baby Finley, who was born at just 26 weeks.  What?  How could the Lord take away again?  Why would he bless them with this unexpected pregnancy so soon after losing a son, only for it to be troubled and a baby born almost too soon?  Those are answers we still don't know.

What we do know is against most odds,  Baby Finley is thriving.  She's up to 4 pounds, from her birth weight of 1 pound and 6 ounces.  She's expected to go home soon.  Sure, the road ahead is still long, peppered with various challenges.  But Finley is a survivor.  She's Mighty Mouse.  The Lord did give.

The Lord has given them his sufficient grace.  The Lord has given probably hundreds around them, the privilege of praying for this baby girl and her parents.  There are people in my church, friends of mine who have never been A. or this family.  But they pray.  They constantly ask me for updates.  The Lord has given increased faith.  The Lord has given a testimony.  As Psalm 126:5 says, they've sown many tears, but now they will reap songs of joy.

God never leaves us hanging.  Whenever we lose someone or something, he also provides.

The next time you sing this song, the next time you grieve over the loss of something in your life, open your eyes to look for what God is giving you.  Because he is.  I'm certain of that.

Are you in the midst of that "taking away" part of the verse?  Hold on, because the giving is coming.  I promise.  He promises.

(Want to know what I can't stop listening to right now?  David Crowder's new album.  The lyrics, the music, it all gets me.)

the privilege of prayer

I have something special to share.  You want to read the text, and see the special photo at the end.

Although this blog focuses mostly on my children and family, thread throughout my posts, you will find my faith.  I have a strong faith in Jesus.  I believe the Bible is the inspired Word of God.  I was lucky enough to be born into a family of faith and raised that way. 

I was one of the odd kids who would cry, and by cry I mean sob, whenever we didn't go to church.  It was my favorite place to be as a kid.  It was my rock, my refuge, my lifeblood as a teenager.  Now, I work at a church.  Clearly, my faith and the church are important to me.

Prayer is a huge part of faith.  It's conversating with God.  Talking to him and listening to him talk back.  Does he talk to me in a audible voice?  Not usually.  But I hear his spirit in the quiet of my heart, in the still of my mind. 

I've spent my whole life praying.  Praying for guidence, for forgiveness, for help, for healing.  I will admit, much of my prayer has focused on myself.  But I've also prayed for the healing of family and friends.  I've seen God answer prayers.  These answers are people who are still alive today, who shouldn't be.  My best friend's mom who fought lymphoma for years and finally is cancer-free after a bone marrow transpalnt from a donor.  My mother-in-law, who is a stage 4 breast cancer survivor.  My childhood friend who had a heart transplant before she turned 30.  I could list so many more.

If you are a frequent reader, you know babies are my soft spot.  I dreamed my whole life of being a mom, and it's everything I hoped for and more.  I knew I was blessed to get pregnant on the first or second try with my first two children, and then to have an unexpected pregnancy. 

A little more than a year ago, I learned that a good friend was finally pregnant after a years-long struggle with infertility.  And I rejoiced with her!  Not long after, news came that this baby was not healthy.  This baby would probably not survive outside the womb.  And I prayed.  I prayed for healing.  I prayed for a miracle.  Then, as more understanding came, I prayed that this baby boy would not suffer.  He was born straight to Jesus' arms.

I continued to pray, for my friends.  For their pain and sorrow.  For healthy babies without medical intervention.  A miracle occured.  Within a few months, this mama found herself expecting again.  She alternated between grieving her son, and rejoicing in the healthy development of her daughter.

Suddenly, in just a few days, everything changed.  This much-awaited, much-prayed for baby girl was born much too soon, just before 25 weeks.  A mere 1 lb and 6oz.  And I prayed.  Hundreds, probably thousands prayed for this little one.  I often shared specific requests on my Facebook status, and friends of mine, who did not know this family, prayed and believed with me.  They waited anxiously for updates, and stopped me in the lobby at church.

I even fasted Diet Coke, which is huge for me.  It was the least I could do, as I prayed for this little one.  Prayed that she would survive the complications, that she would thrive and come home to her parents waiting arms.

I learned so much about prayer during those months.  As we saw her grow, and conquer challenges, I realized what an incredible privilege it was to be praying for her, to be a small part of the answers to prayer.  I firmly belive that the hundreds and thousands of people bombarding heaven on her behalf, made a difference in her life.  In her survival. 

Prayer is a privilege.  To be a part of how God works in someone's life.  To watch your prayers be answered.  And sometimes, to watch God answer them in the way only He knows as best.  To be able to pray, His will be done. 

I don't understand everything about prayer.  I just know that I pray.  That God responds.  And that I know, that I know.  That's enough for me.  I'm thankful for precious baby Finley.  She taught me an important lesson which will stay with me for the rest of my life.  It was such a privilege to pray for her and to see God move.

And it was such a privilege a few weeks ago, to hold this little miracle baby in my arms!  (It was a total coincidence that we matched!)

This is a miracle.  Finley is home.  Growing.  Thriving.  Showing no major signs of long-lasting effects of her prematurity.  She's 5 months old now, and about the size Gracie was when she was born.  But, can you see, she has a few leg rolls?!  Absolutely adorable.

Here's a close up (although she had just scratched her face).

Isn't that the sweetest little headband on her?

This is an answer to prayer.  What a privilege to have been a part of this miracle.

train of thought

I really want to blog...but I can't really pick one thing to blog about.  Mostly because, as usual, there are too many things swimming around in my head and it's hard to pick just one to develop. 

So, have fun following my train of thought!  And let me warn you, the cars on this train may be on the same track, but they don't have a lot in common.  Welcome to my brain!!

I can't believe that January is almost half over, much less that my baby is going to be one in just a few weeks.  Bean and I are doing a Daniel Fast this week with our church.  I fasted in college, but it's been a long time since I've done a fast--and this is the first time I've done a Daniel fast.  Basically we're eating anything that comes from seed and isn't refined or have preservatives.  We aren't hungry at all, but it is an adjustment.  In fact it's a much healthier way to eat!

One of the neat things is the timing of this fast.  Back in December, when our whole family got sick and I ended up in the ER, Bean had an important physical test that he had to miss.  It's rescheduled for this Saturday.  In the Book of Daniel, Daniel and the other men with him ate just vegetables and water and at the end of 10 days their minds were sharper and they were healthier than all the other men.  In Daniel 10, another fast is recorded that gives more details of what he ate and didn't eat.   I think God is preparing Bean both mentally and physically this week for Saturday.  Bean said I could share that he's taking a physical test to become a police officer.  It's a longtime dream of his and we are praying that God opens every door.  We'd love if you joined us in praying!   This is just the second step in a long process.

We established some family rules a few months ago.  Simply writing them out and putting them on the kitchen wall did help Miss Rose in following them.  But we still struggle a lot with her speaking and responses.  She talks back, disagrees and speaks negatively A LOT more than I want her to, or is acceptable.  I'm thinking up a demarit system where after a certain number of marks, she loses a privilege or has consequences.  It's hard to figure out what that would be though.  There isn't one thing that she does every single day.  And half of the week she isn't with me, so restrictions could be hard or impossible to enforce.  I have to do something though, because it's not getting better.

I used to think I would be this awesome mom with children who behaved and were respectful.  I'm finding that is a lot harder than I anticipated.  I just haven't quite figured it out yet.  I'm trying to decipher were we didn't discipline soon enough with Miss Rose so that we can do better with Gracie.  She's starting to show some verbal spunk herself.  This parenting thing is hard sometimes.

There are random moments in the day, that it hits me once again that Eddie is gone.  As I was running this afternoon (I actually got a short 3 mile run in!) he came to mind once again.  It's been a journey to figure out my grief as I haven't seen Eddie more than a handful of times in the past ten years.  But for about 10 years I saw him several times a week.  I realized today that much of my grief stems from the man I know Eddie was, and how incredibly important he was to those closest to him and the huge hole that he leaves.  Yes, the hole in my life is there, but it's nothing compared to the hole he leaves in others. 

A few blogs I've read recently have given me food for thought about my blog and my honestly and boldness in what I talk about.  I want to be more raw this year on my blog.  Not that I'm not real or honest, but I think there is more I can share.  And mostly, it's for me.  While I am glad that a handful of people read and enjoy my blog, it's my outlet.  I enjoy writing and express myself best that way.  So I think I'm going to become more expressive.

Oh, and baby Finley who was born in November at 26 weeks, weighting 1 pound and 6 oz?  She's hopefully going home soon!  Perhaps even before her mid-February due date.  She's past 4 pounds now, off oxygen and learning to eat.  God is GOOD!  She is a miracle baby in so many ways.  I'm excited to go celebrate with her mom soon and shower her with lots of love.  This is a long-awaited for baby in more ways than one.

There are so many more cars on this train...but it's getting late and the train is slowing down. 

**there are probably about ten links I should have put into this post, but not happening tonight :)